Mystery Gundam Theatre A.C. 195
by Suonymona
Summary: The G-boys are captured by OZ and forced to read bad fanfics. First in MGT series.
1. Default Chapter Title

Konnichi wa, minna! Mikata and I decided to try MiSTing a fanfic, to the neglect of my three fics and Mikata's God-only-knows-how-many. Hopefully it's funny. Feedback can be sent to [jillypuff@cheerful.com][1] or [NamedAlex@aol.com][2] Ja ne! ~Jillypuff

Disclaimers and warnings: Mikata and I do not own Gundam Wing or any of the characters, although Mikata would love to own Heero and Quatre, and I want Quatre and Wufei (guess we'd have to duel for Quat-chan.) They belong to Bandai. Mystery Science Theatre belongs to Best Brains. The fic being MiSTied (not giving it away!) belongs to Sephiroth. We're not trying to be rude, but...this fic...well, you'll see. There is lemon content, as well as yaoi. If that bothers you, then stop reading now. Also a little Relena bashing (hey, I like the girl, but this is supposed to be humorous.) There might be a little Treize bashing, or Duo bashing...ok, most of the characters get bashed. *laughs wickedly* Mikata-chan is the voice of Heero, Trowa, Wufei, and Zechs, while I'm the puppeteer behind Duo, Quatre, and Treize. The theme song, intro, and conclusion are by me (yeah, it sucks, but it's my first try!) Enjoy!

Archival: My site. If anyone else wants it for whatever reason, they can have it. Just tell me, 'k?

_In the rather distant future,  
Around the colonies in space,  
Heero Yuy and the Gundam boys,   
were caught in an endless chase._

_Pursued by a man whose name is Treize,   
an OZ general who's screwing with the human race.   
He threw a few things in his purse (~_^),   
and with his best friend Zechs he chases them all across the universe._

_Treize: I'll send them crappy fanfics,   
the worst I can find, (Zechs: Lalala)   
They'll have to sit and read them all,   
and I'll liquefy their minds._

_Now keep in mind Heero can't control  
where the fanfics begin or end.   
He'll slowly lose his sanity,   
with the help of his G-boy friends._

_Heero: G-boy roll call!_

_Duo! (I'm Shinigami!)_

_Trowa! (...)_

_Quatre! (Oh, Allah, what did I do to deserve this?)_

_Wufei! (Injustice!)_

_If you're wondering why no one's killed Duo yet,   
or other pointless facts,  
you should keep in mind this is a fanfic,   
and you should really just relax,   
For Mystery Gundam Theatre A. C. 195!_

On the nameless satellite where the five G-boys were held captive, all was quiet. Not a sound could be heard on the ship, not even from Duo.  
"Heya minna!"   
Never mind.   
"Hey people! Bet you're wondering how we got up here, ne? Well, Treize sorta followed Wu-man back to our safehouse after he lost their latest duel, and we all got nabbed while we were sleeping. Then OZ was trying to conduct some kind of experimental torture thingy, that involved sticking a bunch of test subjects up in a satellite, and since we happened to be conveniently lying around, Lady Une had us brought here. So we've just been hangin' around until OZ remembers about us." Duo gave a cheeky grin from the main hall of the satellite. "Oh well, could be worse. Although it'd be nice if Q-man and Tro-daddy could give it a break in their room-"  
"Who are you talking to, Duo?" Heero inquired irritatedly as he walked out of his room. "There's no one here but us, and the others are all in their rooms."  
"To the viewers, of course! I told ya, Hee-chan, Khushy's basing this on a weird TV show from the 1990's called Mystery Science Theatre. Bet ya we'll have to start watching crappy movies any minute now."   
Heero looked at him like he was insane. "Baka. There's no one watching except OZ. And don't call me Hee-chan."  
"But it's so cute," General Khushrenada's voice purred as his image flickered to life on the viewscreen. The general looked cool and in control as always. Beside him was Zechs Marquis, who seemed faintly amused by the situation. It was hard to tell behind that damn mask.  
"Hello boys," Treize greeted them politely. "Now that you've had some time to adjust to your surroundings, I think it's time we began with the experiment, don't you?"  
"I knew it! You're going to make us watch crappy movies, aren't you?" Duo hollered. Heero winced and covered his ears.   
"Not exactly," Treize replied. "Why don't you fetch the other two pilots so we can talk?"  
"Ummm, don't you mean three?" Duo asked, scratching his head.   
The general of OZ looked perplexed. "Isn't it simply you two and pilots 03 and 04?"  
"And 05," Duo said. "Much to his and our dismay." Heero nodded.  
Treize shot to his feet. "NANI? My dragon is up there?" He started pacing, not looking quite so calm anymore. "I'll kill Lady Une for this, I swear!"  
Heero looked at Zechs. "Why _wouldn't_ Wufei be up here?"  
The Lightning Baron sighed. "Treize ordered for 05 to be brought straight to him. It's a long story."  
"What's going on?" a sleepy Quatre asked as he entered the room, followed by an equally tired Trowa. He spotted Treize and Zechs on the monitor. "What's OZ up to?"   
"Who knows what that kisama Khushrenada is up to?" complained Wufei as he stomped out of his room. "I just want to know why in the name of Nataku we're up here!"  
"_You_ weren't supposed to be up there at all, my dear dragon," Treize gushed. Zechs sighed and banged his head against the wall. Treize took no notice. "You were supposed to be down here, nice and safe in my arms..."  
"NANI?" yelped Duo. "Wu-man, just _what_ is your relationship with Khushy?!"  
"We're soulmates," Treize interjected. He sighed, and shoujo bubbles appeared all around him, causing Zechs to bang his head even harder. "We're star-crossed lovers, my dragon and I."  
"Honto? Omae o korosu, Chang!" Heero snarled, grabbing his gun from spandexspace.  
"I'm not sleeping with Khushrenada!" Wufei yelled. "He's delusional! I don't like him!"  
Treize wagged his finger at Wufei. "Don't deny your heart, Wu-chan. I felt your passion for me during our duel. I know how much you wanted to jump me right there."  
"NANI?!?!?!"  
The general of OZ ignored the pilot's protests and turned back to the others. "It's too late to remove my darling Wufei from the experiment now, so we'll have to make do," he said. "Now, OZ is conducting an experimental kind of torture on you five based on a show from the late 1900's. However, instead of bad movies, you'll be reading fanfics. Lady Une found some from that time period that seem to echo our lives rather closely. The point of the experiment is to see how long you last without killing each other or going insane."   
"You've gotta be kidding me," Duo grumbled.  
"I'm afraid not, 02." Treize turned to his companion. "Zechs, send them their first piece."  
"Of course, sir," the pilot of Tallgeese agreed. He typed some commands into the console. "Your first piece revolves around you, 02. It involves rather...sordid relations between you and a panther."  
"What? What do you mean, 'sordid?'" wailed Duo.  
"You'll see," smirked Zechs.  
"What if we refuse?" asked Heero.  
Treize smiled. "I'll give you to Relena."  
Heero paled and grabbed the other four pilots. "Let's just play along," he growled. The others sweatdropped and let Heero drag them in the theatre. 

* * * 

Wufei: I don't want to be here!

Duo: Would you rather be with Khushy right now?

Wufei: No. I'd rather be sheathing my sword in his flesh!

Heero: Omae o korosu.

Wufei: What?

Quatre: *sweatdrop* Are you sure you don't like Treize, Wufei?

Trowa: ...

Wufei: I don't!

Duo: Let's just get the fic over with.

Heero: Hn.

** A Panther/Duo Fic**  


Duo: NANI?!

Heero: Duo. I didn't know you felt that way about animals.

Duo: I don't! C'mon! Trowa's the one that loves lions, not me!

Trowa: *turns and glares at Duo*

Duo: Uh, sorry Tro-daddy.

Trowa: I'm not your pimp.

Duo: Ack! He spoke!

Trowa: ...

Quatre: Be nice to Trowa! *hugs Trowa* You okay?

Trowa: ...little one. *looks down at Quatre*

Heero: *growls* Can we get this over with?

  
**-----part 1-----**

Wufei: Oooh, what a unique name.

Duo: There's more than one part? I'm doomed!

The sleek black stalker caught the scent of new prey. 

Trowa: That sounds really gay.

Slinking, quietly, through the underbrush it paused a moment, tail flicking back and forth. 

Quatre: *giggles* Which tail?

Heero: Does this remind anyone of Treize?

Wufei: Hmmph.

Trowa: *realizes what Quatre said* Quatre!

Quatre: What?

Trowa: *shakes head* Never mind.

He could smell blood and sweat, and adrenaline. But no fear. That intrigued him.

Wufei: *cracks up*

Duo: No comment needed.  
  
Duo paused.

Duo: Aw shit! What'd I do to deserve this?

Heero: Maybe you snapped a high heel.

Trowa: *arches eyebrow*

Duo: Hey!

On the run from Dr. J's jungle hideout, 

Heero: Dr J doesn't _have _a jungle hideout.

Wufei: Maybe it's for his Barbies.

Duo: *sarcastic* Oh, _that's_ where G gets them from.

Heero: *sweatdrops*

he wanted nothing more than to get back to Heero, to cling to him. 

Heero: Don't touch me, Duo.

Duo: Awwww...

To wash away the memory of Dr. J's obscene probing and prodding in the cleansing warmth of his lover's embrace.

Heero: *rubs his bottom* Don't remind me.

Trowa and Wufei: *stare at Heero*

Duo: Me and Heero? Why would I sleep with Spandex boy?

Heero: You have a death wish?

Duo: No, I grant them. I'm Shinigami!

Wufei: *wallops Duo*

Duo: Owww...

Trowa: ...

Quatre: Don't fight! It's what OZ wants!  
  
Dr. J watched the monitor as the panther neared Duo's location. Soon he would know which instinct was stronger . The urge to kill or the urge to mate. 

Heero: Depends upon the person. I want to kill Maxwell, despite what the author implies.

Duo: You wanna kill little ole me?

Heero: Yes.

Duo: *pouts*

He had seen the animal around before and that was why he'd chosen it. It was close and wild, and one of the predatory animals in the area. He has rubbed the heat scent he'd acquired from a captured female all over Duo's ass while Duo had fought and struggled.

Trowa: How did he manage this? I mean, touching Duo's butt is one thing, but how did eh get the heat scent?

Wufei: Yeah, see? *pokes Duo's butt*

*Unseen force electrically shocks Duo*

Treize: *over loudspeaker* No one messes with my dragon but me!

Duo: He touched me! Ouch! This is so not cool...

Duo had broken free, but that was fine with Dr. J.

Quatre: (as Dr. J) This was getting boring anyway. Now to go have that orgy with the other scientists...

Trowa: *shocked* Little one!

Quatre: They're all perverts! Doktor S keeps goosing me!

Trowa: Oh, little one... *hugs Quatre*

*Sparkles appear around Trowa and Quatre*

Wufei: *gets zapped by sparkle* Aaaaaahhhh! Bakas!

*Sparkles disappear*

Quatre: Gomen nasai, Fei-kun.   
  
Still naked, Duo knelt by a stream and reached forward to scoop up some water. He was knocked forward, suddenly, as he felt the panther's weight upon his back. 

Trowa: I feel sort of voyeuristic right now.

It bit into his shoulder, sending a tremendous jolt of pain throughout his whole body. 

Wufei: No, really.

As it dug its fangs into his shoulder, gripping him and holding him firmly in place as it thrust into him.

Duo: I'm being raped by a panther? What the hell!!!

Heero: Wasn't that obvious from the beginning?  
  
Duo's mouth flew open in a silent scream as the worst pain he'd ever felt coursed through him, even as the panther's barbs tore him inside.

Duo: Panthers have barbed penises? Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Heero: You know, you didn't actually get rammed by a panther.

Duo: Sympathy yell.

his body was rigid with agony. As he blacked out, he felt the animal ejaculate into him, then everything went black.

Trowa: Okay...

Quatre: You're really talkative today, Trowa.

Trowa: ...

Quatre: *pouts*

Wufei: I think Barton used up his word quota for the day.

Trowa: ...

Quatre: *eyes well up with tears*

Trowa: *hugs Quatre*

Quatre: *settles down*

**-----part 2-----**

Duo woke sometime later. 

Duo: Really? Gee, I didn't think I'd ever wake up!

Heero: Well, you're not that intelligent.

Duo: Look who's talkin', Mr. Self-Destruct!

Heero: My name isn't Mr. Self-Destruct.

Duo: Sure...

He felt sore and exhausted. 

Quatre: The author likes to state the obvious, doesn't she?

Still, he had to get the hell out of there. 

Wufei: No comment needed.

Duo: Don't steal my line!

Wufei: Beat you to it!

Duo: Hmph.

He staggered to his feet, getting as far as kneeling, before he felt a gun being pressed against the back of his head.

Quatre: The panther has a gun?

Wufei: Well, the panther has a barbed penis. I don't see why not.

Duo: It pulled a gun out of nowhere. It's Heero in disguise!!!

Heero: *pulls out gun* Omae o korosu.

Duo: See?

Heero: Do you really want me to ram your ass?

Duo: If you're offering...

Heero: OMAE O KOROSU! *throttles Duo*

Quatre: *breaks them up* Stop it! Heero, go sit by Wufei.

Heero: You're not telling me what to do.

Quatre: You want to sit next to Duo?

Heero: Hn.

Wufei: I want Valium.

He closed his eyes and waited for the inevitable.

Trowa: Inevitable what?  
  
All at once there was a growl from nearby. One that Duo recognized. 

Duo: It was...Quatre!

Quatre: Since when do I growl?

Trowa: It was probably more like a purr.

Quatre: *crawls into Trowa's lap*

Trowa: Ooof.

Quatre: *purrs*

Trowa: *strokes behind Quatre's ears*

Heero: Get a room. 

It was the panther that had been ramming him a short time ago.

Heero: And it still had a gun?  
  
Dr. J turned and stared at the panther in horror as he leapt straight for him. 

Quatre: Dr. J leapt at the panther? That wasn't very bright of him.

Wufei: Where did he come from? Why would he sneak up on the panther with a gun?

Duo: He's on crack?

Heero: I wouldn't put him past it. Why do you think he named my Gundam Wing?

He didn't have time to run before the animal tore him apart.  
  
Wufei: I would think not.

Quatre: Who tore who apart?

Trowa: Do we care?

Quatre: Good point.   
  
"I see him." Heero told the others. 

Duo: See who?

Heero: Hn.

"I've found Duo. He's alive." 

Wufei: Unfortunately.

Duo: Hey!

Wufei: What?

Duo: You know what!

Trowa: And no one's bothered by the fact he's naked?

Quatre: It's Duo.

Trowa: Hn.

Duo: *sulks*

Heero: Well, it's something you'd do.

he landed his gundam and made his way to where Duo was.

Heero: I spotted him from the Gundam?  
  
The panther stood between Duo and Heero, snarling at Heero and herding Duo so that the braided pilot had to remain behind the animal.

Duo: So what, I'm a sheepie now?

Heero: Sheepie?

Duo: Singular of 'sheepies.'

Heero: What is a sheepie?

Duo: You know, the stupid animals we get wool from.

Wufei: So in other words, Maxwell's relatives.

Duo: Hmph!

Quatre: I thought they were 'sheep.'

Duo: No! The same word can not be singular and plural. So it's sheepie and sheepies.

Heero: Duo, are you on crack?

Duo: Nope. Just Chef Boyardee!

Heero radioed the others. "Ideas anyone?"

Duo: (as Heero) How can I get a personality?

Heero: *violently sticks Duo's braid down his throat*

Quatre: *opens mouth, then shakes head* I'm not going to even bother.

Trowa: *kisses Quatre*

Quatre: *looks happy*  
  
"Heero, what's it doing?" Quatre asked.  
  
"It's keeping itself between Duo and me." Heero explained.

Trowa: I would run from a big Gundam too.

Duo: What about a small one?

Trowa: *stares at Duo* Why, do you have a small one?

Duo: Nope! Wanna see?

Quatre: Over my dead body!

Trowa: Not really. 

Heero: Wufei does.

Wufei: I do not!

Duo: Yeah, he wants to see Treize's.

Wufei: KISAMA!  
  
"I'm getting a visual of the area. Hold on." Quatre pulled in a visual and watched it carefully.

Quatre: Where did I get this from?

Wufei: Spandex space.

Trowa: My little one would not stick his hands in Heero's pants.

Duo: Maybe Q-man's in spandex.

Trowa: *nosebleeds*  
  
To Quatre's and Heero's amazement, the panther slinked back over to Duo and and began to lick him, as if Duo were another panther.

Duo: Eeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...

Quatre: Where did he lick him? *evil grin*

Trowa: Little one!

Quatre: *innocent look* What, Trowa?

Trowa: *eye widens, then shakes head* 

**-----part 3-----**

Duo lay in bed.

Heero: He had sex with the bed?

Duo: Better then the panther!

Heero: Maybe the bed has barbs.

Duo: *wails*

Wufei: Wasn't Duo on top?

Heero: But Duo's always uke.

Duo: *wails harder*

Trowa: *teasingly* Just like Quatre.

Quatre: Oh really? We'll see about that. *grins*

Trowa: ...

It had been a little over a month since his run-in with a male panther who had taken him for its mate.

Quatre: Is it a he or an it?

Wufei: Maybe it's a she.

Quatre: That explains the barbs. It must have been a dildo.

Trowa: Quatre!

Quatre: What?

Trowa: *blinks*

Heero had tranquilized the animal and then had removed Duo from its den.  
  
Duo had asked the animal not be killed, 

Duo: WHY????

and now he could hear it calling him from outside, begging him to return home with its forlorn cries.

Trowa: Awww. Poor thing.

Duo: So why don't _you_ go out and have sex with it?

Trowa: I have Quatre.

Quatre: I don't know, it sounds kinky...

Trowa: Little one!  
  
At present, Duo was feeling a little under the weather. 

Duo: Gee, I wonder _why_?

He could hear the cries of the panther as it stalked the area outside.

Trowa: *in monotone* Love me, love me, say that you love me...

Wufei: Isn't that by the Cardigans?

Quatre: Shameless song plug number one!  
  
"So, what's the verdict?" he could hear Heero asking from nearby. "Pneumonia? Flu?"  
  
"Pregnant."

Duo: **_NANI???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_**

Heero: *Cringes* is there something you need to tell us?

Duo: I'm all man!

Wufei: *snorts*

Duo: Oh shut up, Justice Boy.

Wufei: Boy?!  
  
"WHAT?!" Heero yelped. 

Heero: Yelped? Since when do I yelp?

Quatre: When you find out Duo's pregnant?

Trowa: Otherwise, you grunt or yell.

Duo: Or let out maniacal laughter.

Heero: Hn.

"You mean he's having kittens?!"

Quatre: Oh, yeah, good point. How did a _panther_ get a _human_ pregnant?

Heero: Duo, is there something else you're not telling us?

Trowa: Or is it the panther that needs to tell us something?

Duo: I told you it was really Heero!

Heero: How did I get you pregnant? And _why_ would I get you pregnant?

Duo: It only takes once, Hee-chan...

Heero: Don't call me Hee-chan.  
  
"Cubs." the doctor told him. "Baby panthers are called cubs."  
  
"Whatever." Heero muttered, walking away to think.

**-----part 4-----**

The pain could not be denied any longer. Duo cursed and turned on his communicator. "Guys, I gotta bail." he told them. "I'm in labor."

Heero: That's putting it lightly.

Duo: Gee, those nine months sure flew by.

Wufei: And why would you be flying a Gundam when you're pregnant?

Quatre: How would you be? I don't think your belly would fit.

Heero: I could do it.

Duo: Fine. You carry my kid!

Heero: I'd rather not.

Duo: Then shut up!

Heero: Hn.  
  
"I'm going with you." Heero told him.

Heero: Like I'd say that.  
  
"Like hell you are, Heero." Duo told him. 

Duo: However, I _would_ say that.

Heero: Hn.

"You stick with the mission at hand. Come to the hospital when you're done." he flew off to the hospital, leaving the others to finish the battle.

Heero: He left in the middle of a battle?

Quatre: And OZ let him?

Wufei: And what was he going to do? Park Deathscythe in the middle of the parking lot?  
  
The remaining four pilots turned their attention to the battle at hand. 

Quatre: What, we weren't paying attention before?

Trowa: Apparently not.  
  
Trowa executed a terrific banking move that brought him behind one of the enemy fighters. He made his attack run, bringing down the fighter which collided with a second fighter just as the second fighter was about to open fire on Quatre.

Quatre: I'm confused...

Trowa: Hn.

Duo: Please! If this was accurate, it would have been "Trowa started an attack run, but Heavyarms ran out of bullets." Oh, by the way, Q-man, does Trowa ever run out of ammunition?

Quatre: *confused* Huh? You just said it yourself, he always does.

Trowa: *violently stuffs braid down Duo's mouth, then glares at Quatre*

Quatre: *upset* What?

Trowa: *whispers in Quatre's ear*

Quatre: *turns red* No! Trowa always lasts!

Wufei: *nosebleeds*  
  
"Thanks, Trowa." Quatre said, noticing another enemy fighter coming after Heero. "Heero, you got one on your tail."

Heero: Like that would ever happen.  
  
Heero swerved, but the enemy pilot continued to follow. "I can't shake him." he complained. 

Heero: What? That is not me!  
  
Wufei bore down upon the enemy plane that was firing on Heero and brought it down.

Duo: He went down on it.

Wufei: *Shoots blood at Duo out his nose like a gun*

Duo: *shrugs* Eh, my clothes are black. It won't show. *wipes blood from face*  
  
"Thanks, Wufei." Heero said.  
  
"Any time, Heero."

Duo: (as Wufei) That'll be $4.50, plus 2 dollars for the blowj-

Wufei: *kicks Duo in the balls*

Trowa: *hums Twilight Zone theme*

Quatre: Shameless TV show plug number one!  
  
There was silence.  
  
"Well, that's over." Heero said. "Let's get to the hospital and see how Duo's doing."

Wufei: O...kay.

Heero: *twitches*  
  
They dropped the four gundams off at home, then drove down to the hospital.

Quatre: Who did we leave to watch them? Relena?

Heero: Hn. I thought they were mobile suits, not dress suits.  
  
"Did a young man with a braid check in earlier?" Heero asked.  
  
The doctor looked confused, then another walked up. "I'll handle this." he said. She lead Heero aside.

Wufei: Why did the gender switch?

Quatre: Aiyeee! It's related to the panther!

Trowa: What does your uchuu no kokoro say, little one?

Quatre: Aiyee! I can not call upon my uchuu no kokoro!

Duo: Shameless Minific plug number one! 

Heero: Who's Mini?

Duo: *shrugs*

"Duo's fine." she told him, confidentially.  
  
"You know about us?" 

Heero: I would not ask that question.

Trowa: Maybe we should start a list of reasons of things Heero wouldn't say.

Duo: I'd suggest we start a list of things Trowa wouldn't say, but that list would stretch on forever.

Trowa: ...   
  
"Us?" the doctor asked. "I know about Duo Maxwell. I tried him for a gunshot wound once when he was arrested. I know who he is, so whenever he's brought in I'm the one who takes care of him. Mind you, I never thought I'd be delivering his babies."

Wufei: I don't think anyone was expecting that, miserable onna!  
  
"I think he was just as surprised as you were." Heero told him.  
  
"You're Heero?"  
  
"He told you about me?" Heero gasped.

Heero: I would not gasp. I would just kill the doctor.

Duo: Just like you killed Relena?

Heero: *violently shoves braid down Duo's mouth*

Duo: *spits it out* Would you quit that?  
  
"He wouldn't say what you did for a living. But he said that you were his boyfriend and that he loved you."

Heero: I'm gonna kill him.

"I'll kill him." Heero muttered.

Duo: Wow! She finally got Heero in character!

Trowa: Is there an echo in here?

Quatre: Deja vu...  
  
The doctor laughed. "Let's go see the babies, shall we?"

Heero: Plural?

Trowa: Yes. Babies. Plural.  
  
Heero nodded. "Hey, guys! Come on!"  
  
Wufei, Trowa, and Quatre joined them.

Quatre: ...in an orgy!

Trowa: *falls down with nosebleed and passes out from loss of blood*  
  
At the window, they noticed that in one crib there was a small panther cub, curled up and sleeping soundly. In the next crib over, there was a baby girl with a pair of pretty black panther ears atop her head, and a long back panther tail continuing from the base of her tailbone. Her eyes were the same color as Duo's, but her pupils were slit, like those of a cat.

Duo: *wails* My children are freaks!

Wufei: Just like you, Maxwell.

Duo: I'm not part panther!

Wufei: But you're all freak.

Duo: Takes one to know one.

Heero: Very mature.

Duo: He started it!

Heero: Again, very mature. Are we 15 or 5?

**-----part 5-----**

"Shiva! Hyoko!" Duo called to the twins, who were playing in a converted play room. "Its time for lunch. You two go wash up, okay?"

Wufei: Converted from what?

Duo: What kind of names are those?

Heero: Shiva is the god of Destruction in India.

Duo: Coooooooooool!

Quatre: Shameless Pokémon plug number one!  
  
"Okay, dad!" Shiva called. "Come, sis!" she ran out of the play room with the smallish panther at her side. Being of half-human lineage gave the panther some odd characteristics, the two obvious ones being her human eyes, that looked exactly like Duo's eyes, and the fact that she aged at the same rate as a human being, rather than at the rate of a feline. 

Duo: Nice sentence there.

Heero: Who's the mommy?

Duo: Wu-man!

Wufei: No! I am not an onna! *voice cracks*

Duo: Suuuuuuuuuuure.

Wufei: Hmph! You're more of an onna than I!

Duo: *flashes Wufei*

Wufei: *goes down with nosebleed and passes out from blood loss*

*Duo is electrically shocked again*

Treize: *from loudspeaker* Stop corrupting my dragon!

Zechs: *mutters from loudspeaker* _Your_ dragon?

*whacking sound*

Zechs: *from loudspeaker* You know, it doesn't hurt when one is wearing a helmet.

She followed Shiva everywhere.  
  
Both Shiva and Hyoko walked into the dining room.  
  
"Here we are." Shiva announced. She grinned at the sushi. "Thank Shinigami we live in Japan." she grinned. 

Duo: Woohoo! My kids worship Shinigami! I'm so proud!

Heero: Not in my country.

Quatre: But you're from L1.

Heero: *gives Quatre death glare*

Quatre: *cowers behind unconscious Trowa*

"It was so cool of you to move here after we were born."  
  
"Where else would I get stuff like this to feed two half-cats without arousing suspicion?" Duo asked.

Quatre: So half-cat, half-humans are common in Japan?

Heero: At a freak show maybe.

Duo: They can work in the circus with Trowa!

Trowa: *wakes up* Hn?

Quatre: Trowa! *hugs Trowa* It's almost over.

Trowa: Good.  
  
"Tell us about the war again, daddy." Shiva begged.  
  
"Oh no.. not the War Story." Duo looked over at Hyoko. "You don't want to hear Daddy's War Story again, do you, girl?"  
  
Heero: You actually told...?

Duo: I guess. Where'd you go, though? Weren't we lovers in this fic?

Heero: Don't remind me.

Hyoko rubbed her head against Duo's leg, purring happily.  
  
Duo sighed and began...

**-----OWARI-----**

Quatre: Thank Allah!

Heero: If Wufei were awake he'd say thank Nataku.

Duo: Thank Shinigami!

Trowa: You're thanking yourself?

Duo: Yes.

Trowa: O...kay.

Quatre: Let's just leave!

* * *

"How did you like your fic?" Treize inquired as the five G-boys made their way from the theatre.  
"You're evil!" Duo wailed. "What'd we do to deserve this?  
Zechs shrugged. "You got in our way. So you didn't like the fic?"  
"I wouldn't have sex with a panther!" Duo yelled. "This sucks. I'm going back to my room!" The pilot of Deathscythe stomped off.  
Trowa looked over at Quatre. "Little one, you were being so hentai in there..."  
Quatre giggled. "What, don't you like it when I talk dirty?"  
The youth smiled briefly. "I didn't say that." Trowa picked Quatre up and carried him off to their room for some privacy. Heero and Wufei sweatdropped.  
"What did you think, 01?" Zechs asked.  
Heero turned his patented death glare on the OZ officers. "I'll find a way out and kill you both," he vowed. Zechs smirked. Heero stormed off, leaving Wufei alone with the viewscreen. Treize shot a look at Zechs, who took that as his cue to leave.  
"My dragon," Treize cooed. "Now that I've got you alone..."   
"Ha! I am up here on the satellite, while you are on Earth. You cannot do anything to me, Khushrenada!" Wufei crowed triumphantly.  
"Haven't you ever heard of phone sex?" Treize inquired. Wufei stared at him with his jaw almost hitting the ground. The general smirked and removed his jacket and shirt, showing off his gorgeous pecs. "Still so confident, dragon?" he breathed.  
Wufei's unconscious body hit the floor, blood gushing like a geyser.  
Treize sighed and put his clothes back on. "Oh well, there's always tomorrow," he sighed, and turned off the viewscreen. The general of OZ went to bed, dreaming of his dragon and the tortures he would commit upon his friends...

~Owari~

How was that for our first MiSTing? Please send feedback! Mikata and I haven't decided what we'll do next time yet, so send us some fics, too! Ja ne! ~Jillypuff 

   [1]: mailto:jillypuff@cheerful.com
   [2]: mailto:NamedAlex@aol.com



	2. Default Chapter Title

Hey minna, it's another MiSTing by Mikata and I, as we continue to neglect our other fics. This one's by the same author as last time, but there's no bestiality or male pregnancies in this one. There is non-con, though, so be warned. OOCness from the guys on the satellite and Treize, but can you really blame them?

Disclaimers: Gundam Wing belongs to Bandai and Sunrise. MST3K belongs to Best Brains. The fic "Set Up" belongs to Sephiroth, and we don't mean any insult to her by doing this. This fic and series belong to Mikata and I. Mikata is the voice of Heero, Trowa, Wufei, and Zechs, and I take care of Duo, Quatre, and Treize. The two fics referred to in the opening segment belong to Jade.

_In the rather distant future,  
Around the colonies in space,  
Heero Yuy and the Gundam boys,  
were caught in an endless chase._

_Pursued by a man whose name is Treize,  
an OZ general who's screwing with the human race.  
He threw a few things in his purse (~_^),  
and with his best friend Zechs he chases them all across the universe._

_Treize: I'll send them crappy fanfics,  
the worst I can find, (Zechs: Lalala)  
They'll have to sit and read them all,  
and I'll liquefy their minds._

_Now keep in mind Heero can't control  
where the fanfics begin or end.  
He'll slowly lose his sanity,  
with the help of his G-boy friends._

_Heero: G-boy roll call!_

_Duo! (I'm Shinigami!)_

_Trowa! (...)_

_Quatre! (Oh, Allah, what did I do to deserve this?)_

_Wufei! (Injustice!)_

_If you're wondering why no one's killed Duo yet,  
or other pointless facts,  
you should keep in mind this is a fanfic,  
and you should really just relax,  
For Mystery Gundam Theatre A. C. 195!_

On the nameless satellite, five teenage boys were gathered around a laptop, making various faces of disgust and pleasure. At that particular moment, a blond boy had his blushing face buried in the chest of a boy with a unibang, who had his arm wrapped around the little one. Nearby, a Japanese boy was glaring at the screen, while a braided boy was trying to cheer him up. And for the Chinese boy-   
"INJUSTICE!!!" Wufei roared. "Not only do I have to put up with Khushrenada's pathetic claims that we are in love, but now all these onnas are supporting him?! Dishonor on them!"  
"Hn," replied Heero. "At least they all aren't trying to pair you up with Duo. Why the hell would I date him?"   
Duo turned to the screen. "Hey viewers. After the fiasco with that fic last time, we decided to look on Heero's laptop to see what other fics were out there. Wufei's mad because a bunch of girls paired him up with Khushy, and Heero's mad because almost everyone pairs him up with me-and just what is wrong with me?" he asked, turning on Heero.  
"Plenty of things," the perfect soldier replied. "And even if I did like you, some of these fics are ridiculous. This one," he pointed at the screen, "has us having sex in a church, of all places."  
Duo brightened at that. "Sounds kinky!" This earned him a glare from Heero.  
Meanwhile, Quatre continued to wail into Trowa's chest. "This girl is mean, Trowa! I would never dress like a girl! And she made you a _stripper_!"  
Trowa silently drooled at the mental image of Quatre in a miniskirt, while he tried to comfort his koibito. "It's not that bad, is it little one? You'd look cute like that." This just upset the Arabian even more, and he wailed even louder. Trowa sweatdropped.  
"Don't you just love the fangirls?" Treize inquired wryly, as he and Zechs appeared once more on the screen. "They write such lovely fics with my dragon and I. Of course, they also write fics between myself and Zechs for some reason, but I can forgive them that."  
"They write them between you and Une as well," pointed out Zechs. "And you and Heero, and you and Duo, and you and Trowa, and you and Quatre..."  
Treize sighed. "Just give them today's fic, Zechs."  
Zechs was still going on. "...and Wufei and I, and Wufei and Sally, and Wufei and Relena, and Wufei and..." He stopped when he saw the death glare (stolen from Heero) that Treize had turned on him. He sighed. "Very well. The fic today is by the same author as last time. It-"  
"Why can't we have some of her _good_ fics?!" Duo whined. "Wufei found her website, and she has some cool ones!"  
"Because then it wouldn't be torture," Zechs pointed out smugly. "As I was saying, this fic involves all five of you this time. It's called 'Set Up.' Enjoy."  
Treize moved in front of the viewscreen. "I'm so sorry for this one, dragon, but I had to do it." He blew a kiss to Wufei, making the young boy gag in disgust. "Be brave, my darling." Wufei rolled his eyes and stomped into the theatre. The other four G-boys followed, with resigned looks on their faces.

* * *

Wufei: Hmph! I can not wait for the day when he will bow before my manhood!

Duo: Isn't that what he wants?

Wufei: Hmph! No, that's what I want!

Heero: *scratches his head*

Quatre: Wufei's right.

Wufei: *smiles*

Quatre: Treize would want to be on top.

Wufei: Nani? What does that mean?

Heero: *continues to scratch his head*

**Set Up**  
  
Trowa: ...a tent. This is a how-to book.

Duo: *mutters* Wufei's already tenting in his pants.

Heero: What does that mean?

Duo: Never mind.

** -----part 1------**

Wufei: Where have I seen this before?

Duo: No panthers! Please!

Heero: *with malicious glee* Maybe we set you up on a date with a panther.

Duo: *hides under chair*

Heero: *laughs manically*

Quatre: *glares* Be nice!  
  
Heero nodded, curtly and closed his laptop.

Wufei: How is this different from usual?  
  
"Assignment?" Duo asked.

Quatre:*as Heero* No, Relena got sick of me ripping up her invitations, so she's e-mailing me now.

Heero: Hn. She doesn't know my e-mail address.

Duo: I do! It's [spandex_boy@wingzero.org][1]   
  
Heero gave another nod and left the room.

Quatre: Heero is a mime, so he can't speak.

Wufei: Did you teach him how, Barton?

Quatre: *wails*

Trowa: *glares at Wufei*  
  
Duo sighed and opened the message he'd been delivered. The letter had been sent to "DM2 Enterprises" and looked like someone was paying a bill. 

Duo: Woohoo! I'm in the money!

Wufei: Until the check bounces.

Duo: *sulks*

Heero: What would they pay you for?

Trowa: Prostitution.

Duo: *grins wickedly* Q-man would know.

Trowa: *violently stuffs Duo's braid down mouth*

Heero: Wouldn't they be paying 'Tro-daddy'?

Quatre: *looks lost* Huh?

But he knew better. Inside were the instructions for his own assignment. 

Wufei: To bed Professor G?

Duo: Nah, he's straight.  
  
"Duo," Heero said. "You can't come with me. Neither can you other guys." he added to the other three pilots who soon joined them.

Quatre: So you spoke to us before we showed up?

Heero: Maybe I pulled you out of spandex space.  
  
"We aren't." Quatre replied, giving surprised looks to the other pilots. "Seems we all got our own missions to go on."  
  
"That's a bit odd, isn't it?" Duo asked.

Duo: How many bedmates does Dr. J need?

Heero: He needs his stuffed bunny rabbit named Mr. Hat.

Duo: *blinks* O-kay...  
  
"Not really." Heero said. "Things have been escalating a bit this past week."

Duo: *as Heero* J can't keep it in his pants.

Heero: Keep what in his pants?

Duo: *goes swirly-eyed*

Heero: What?  
  
"Let's just get it over with." Trowa shrugged. "I just want to get through this assignment and be home with my friends."

Trowa: I have friends?

Quatre: What about me?

Trowa: You're special.

Quatre: *hugs Trowa*  
  
"Yeah! Sounds perfect." Duo agreed.  
  
"I'll treat everyone to a pizza when we get back home." Quatre offered.

Quatre: I've never had a pizza in my life.

Heero: What's pizza?

Duo: What's wrong with you people?!  
  
"I'm holding you to that promise." Duo grinned manically.  
  
The five pilots headed off, each into a different direction.  
  
Duo was the first pilot to experience a problem with his gundam. 

Wufei: Seeing as it's a big hunk of junk, I'm not surprised.

Duo: Look's who's talking!

Wufei: Someone with a functional mobile suit.

Duo: Hah! I saw Shenlong when Tsuberov dragged it in. It was worse then Wing after being blown up!

He cursed and beat at the controls, trying everything he could think of, but it was no use. The system was no longer responding to him.

Heero: That would be more of a last resort thing, wouldn't it?  
  
Shinigami crashed into a field and Duo leaped out, his weapon drawn. He managed to kill off two thirds of the men surrounding him before he was forced down by the remaining third.

Duo: OK, cool as I am, even I couldn't pull that off.

Wufei: And in such detail.

Duo kicked, struggled, and screamed as they tore away his clothes. But the fight left him as soon as the first man thrust into him. 

Duo: Yeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh! What does this girl have against me?

Heero: You'd think that's when he'd start fighting.

Wufei: Maybe his synapses don't fire fast enough.

Quatre: Or maybe this girl just doesn't like Duo.  
  
Several miles to the East, Heero was lying semi-conscious on the ground. 

Heero: What did I do this time? I don't self-detonate unless I failed.

Quatre: Desperate attempt to get out of the fic?

Wufei: Which backfired.

He'd hit the self-destruct on Wing when the Gundam had stopped responding, and by some miracle it had gone off. 

Heero: If nothing else worked, why did that work?

He was alive, but dazed and slightly concussed. 

Quatre: Concussed? Is that a word, Trowa?

Trowa: I don't know, little one.

At first, he wasn't sure why he couldn't get up. Then, he began to realize that he was being pinned down by another man. 

Heero: I think I'd realize this as soon as it happened.

A man who was taking the Perfect Soldier's clothes off. 

Duo: What clothes?

Heero: *looks down at himself* A tank top and spandex.

Duo: I repeat, what clothes?

Heero was outraged. 

Heero: To say the least.

He began to fight the man off, but his wounds left him too dizzy to maintain any advantage and his attacker soon got the upper hand.

Wufei: Didn't he have the upper hand from the beginning?  
  
"Omae o korosu." He promised, as the man thrust into him over and over.

Heero: Huh?

Duo: He's raping you. Is this going to happen to all of us?

Quatre: *clings to Trowa* Oh no! My poor Trowa!

Trowa: Little one, this isn't really happening. And nothing's happened to me yet.

Heero: *still looks confused*

Duo: *mutters* Poor _Trowa_? What about me and Hee-chan?  
  
Trowa descended into the missile silo, his skills from the circus once again proving invaluable to his mission. 

Trowa: What talents? I don't think the ability to clean lion cages would help right now.

Quatre: Maybe she means the cool flippy thing you do.

Trowa: Which one?

Quatre: *giggles* You only do that other one for me!

Heero: *finally realizes what Duo called him and whacks him*

As soon as he was on the ground, however, someone struck him from behind and broke the flashlight he'd been carrying. In the dark, unable to see his attackers, Trowa fell victim to a brutal rape. 

Trowa: Brutal? I didn't think it'd be gentle.

Quatre: How dare they hurt Trowa? I'll kill them! *eyes glow with murderous ZERO System rage*

Trowa: *kisses Quatre on nose*

Quatre: *calms down*

He thought about fighting. But no... not with the odds this uncertain.

Trowa: *cocks his head*  
  
//Why is this happening again?// he sobbed inwardly. 

Quatre: AGAIN?!?!?!

Trowa: I don't remember the first time.

Treize: *over loudspeaker* A lot of fangirls seem to believe you were raped by the mercenaries. They use this to justify Quatre being on top.

Trowa: ...Why?

Treize: *shrugs*

Outwardly he could only submit until they grew tired of him and either left him or killed him.  
  
Duo: Here's a novel idea. He could fight back!

Trowa: Didn't I say earlier I couldn't?   
  
Wufei was lifted out of the wreckage of his Gundam, which had self-destructed despite his lack of pressing the button, and carried into a motel room. 

Wufei: Why?

Duo: Eh, guess it was your turn to self-destruct.

Wufei: Hmph!

His wrists were tied to the headboard on the bed and his clothes were removed.

Wufei: And no one in the hotel noticed this?  
  
His eyes flew open as the rapist penetrated him for the first time.

Wufei: ... *eyes widen with rage*

He tried to scream, but his mouth was covered with duct tape and all he could manage was a muffled protest. He kicked at the rapist's back, but this only served to anger the man and make him thrust harder, so Wufei finally stopped and lay still.  
  
Wufei: ...*eyes get wider*   
  
Quatre staggered away from his Gundam, wondering why it had crashed. 

Trowa: Little one! *clutches Quatre*

Quatre: Uh...Trowa...

Trowa: Yes? *clutches tighter*

Quatre: I...can't...breathe...

He felt troubled. Something was wrong. 

Heero: Duh. His Gundam exploded.

One of his fellow pilots was in pain. He tried to see if he could pinpoint whoever it was, perhaps send a bit of comfort, some encouragement. 

Quatre: And how would I do this?

Trowa: Your uchuu no kokoro is a two-way radio?

Wufei: ...

Duo: Did Wufei and Trowa switch bodies?

An alarm went off in his head and he returned his attention to his own predicament...  
  
... just as someone bent him over a low rock wall, yanked down his pants, and began thrusting into him.

Quatre: What the heck? I'm not that weak and defenseless.

Heero: *starts coughing*

Trowa: *smacks Heero upside head*

Heero: What?

Trowa: You made fun of my Quatre!

Heero : Did not!  
  
"NO!" he screamed. "STOP! PLEASE?! Great Allah, why is this happening to me?!" his sobs filled the valley as the rapist went at him again and again and again.

Heero: It's the Energizer Bunny of rape. *thrusts hips* It keeps thrusting and thrusting and thrusting...

Duo: *nosebleeds*  
  
**-----part 2-----**  
  
Duo dragged his sperm and blood stained body into the safe house.

Quatre: Lovely image there.

He'd been subjected to dozens of attacks before his assailants had eventually worn themselves out and had fallen asleep. 

Heero: Attacks of what?

Wufei: ...

He'd almost given in to the temptation of just staying there, of letting his mind blank out forever and letting them have him until he died under one of them. He wasn't really sure why he hadn't.

Duo: Uh...cause that would be a bad thing?

Heero: *snorts*  
  
In the haze of shock, he almost didn't hear the voice. No, he heard it, but it just wasn't registering that he was hearing it.

Heero: In his head? Duo went crazy.

Duo: Did not!  
  
"Why?" it asked, through sobs of confusion and shame. "Allah, why? Why?!"

Trowa: Because.

Quatre: *sarcastic* Oh goody! I get to make a complete _moron_ out of myself!

Heero: And that's different from normal how?

Quatre: *sulks*

Trowa: *cuddles Quatre*  
  
"Quatre?" Duo hurried into the living room, ignoring his own pain.  
  
Quatre looked up, clearly distressed at Duo seeing him the way he was now, naked, hurt, defiled. 

Quatre: *sarcastic* No, I _want_ Duo to see me like that!

Heero: Is it kinky?

Quatre: *smacks forehead*

He could see that Duo was also stripped of his uniform.   
  
"Not you, too." Duo felt sick that anyone would hurt sweet Quatre that way.

Trowa: I feel sick that anyone would hurt sweet Quatre that way.

Quatre: *shrugs* I just feel bitter towards the world by this point.  
  
"I'LL KILL THEM!" Heero declared, ferociously, as he stormed into the door, looking as naked and as stained at Duo and Quatre. "I'll..." he felt silent as he stared at the other two pilots.

Heero: I just walked in without trying to cover my nudity. And I walked 3 miles while I was 'concussed?'  
  
"What the hell is going on?" he demanded.

Quatre: We're in hell.

Heero: Oh.

Trowa: *bewildered* Little one?

Quatre: What? *glares at Trowa*

Trowa: *shies away from Quatre*

**-----part 3-----**  
  
"Duo," Heero said, "get dressed and get Quatre and yourself over to the Winner mansion."  
  
"No." Quatre shook his head. "Please... if my family found out, they'd take me away from you.

Quatre: Oh, like I listen to the crap my family tells me.

Wufei: *impressed* ...

Trowa: *frightened* ...

Heero: *bored* ...

Duo: Ellipsis!

Heero: Nani?

Duo: Never mind. 

Heero, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei: ...

Please. I can't go home. I can't let them see me this way."  
  
"I understand how you feel," Duo agreed, "but Heero's right. That's the safest place for us. Your guards and staff will do all they can to keep you and me safe. Heero, too."

Heero: *grunts*  
  
"I'm not going with you." Heero said. "I'm going to find the bastards who set us up and I'm going to make them pay."

Trowa: And we don't come cheap.

Duo: I don't think we came at all. Unless you _like_ being raped...

Trowa: *slaps Duo*  
  
"I'm going with you, Heero."  
  
Heero turned and saw Wufei standing naked in the doorway, looking like he'd just spent a long trip through someplace that usually involved travel by hand basket along with Trowa who was equally unclad and looking very grim.

Trowa and Wufei: ...  
  
"Looks like they got to all of us." Trowa said, quietly.  
  
"Who is they?" Duo asked, pulling the still-sobbing Quatre into his arms and reassuring him.

Trowa: Hn. *holds Quatre*

Quatre: *pulls away* I'm not a child!

Trowa: Fine, then I won't touch you.

Quatre: Fine!

Trowa: *narrows eyes and glares at screen*  
  
Quatre sobbed and clung to Duo. //If only I hadn't been ruined by those men.// he thought. //If only I were still worthy of you...//

Quatre: Worthy of Duo? Ha!

Duo: *grabs Quatre* Ok, who are you, and what did you do with the real Quatre?

Quatre: F### off!

Heero, Duo, Trowa, and Wufei: *jaws drop*

Heero: *smacks Quatre across face* Snap out of it. We all have to go through this. And Duo's had it worse then you so far.

Quatre: *rubs cheek and blinks* Sorry guys. I guess I lost it back there. *glomps Trowa* I'm so sorry, Tro-chan!

Trowa: *hugs Quatre*

Quatre: Forgive me?

Trowa: Of course.  
  
It was a sentiment that was echoed in the heart, mind, and soul of Duo Maxwell.

Heero: That you're not worthy of yourself?

Duo: We're not worthy! We're not worthy!

Quatre: Shameless movie plug number one!  
  
**-----part 4-----  
**   
Two doctors frowned over their observations as the reports on the five pilots' whereabouts came through to them.  
  
"All five returned to the safe house." Dr. G observed. "I didn't expect that. 

Duo: They were behind this???!!!

Heero: I'm not surprised. Why am I not surprised?

Given their diverse backgrounds, I was sure they would each seek a different shelter depending on those backgrounds."

Trowa: Backgrounds? We're computer desktops!  
  
"But to return to the safe house," Dr J mused. "I mean, I was sure Heero would, it being an ingrained military response to return to the base of operations after an attack. But the others... I thought Duo would seek out a church or a shelter."  
  
Dr. G nodded. "Duo's response was a bit unusual. So was Quatre's. I thought the same thing about Duo. And Quatre. I expected him to run to his family for support.

Quatre: Why do they think I'm a sissy?!?!?!

Heero: You look act and dress like one?

Quatre: WWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Trowa: *holds Quatre*  
  
"Activate the safe house monitoring system." Dr. J suggested. "Let's see if we can find any insights as to Duo's and Quatre's odd behavior.  
  
Duo: We're on crack!

Heero: No, you're on crack.

Duo: No, it's Chef Boyardee!   
  
Quatre turned away as Duo walked by him. looking in the opposite direction, he failed to notice the wounded expression on Duo's face.

Trowa: Well, how would you notice if you weren't looking?

Wufei: ...  
  
//I'm not even good enough to look up on a being as wonderful as Duo Maxwell.// Quatre lamented deep in his heart.

Heero: *laughs manically*

Quatre: No offense, Duo, but I would _never_ think that.  
  
//He's ashamed of me.// Duo thought //He can't even bring himself to look at me.//

Wufei: *looks like he wants to laugh, then settles down*...  
  
**-----part 5-----**  
  
In his bedroom, Quatre examined the bottle for a moment, then unscrewed the cap and swallowed the contents without hesitation.

Trowa: Please tell me that's liquor.  
  
//If you don't want me anymore, Duo,// he thought //I have no more reason to live.// And then the world went away and darkness swallowed him.

Trowa: _Please_ tell me that was only liquor, little one!

Quatre: I don't know. *looks thoughtful* That's one way to get out of the fic...

Trowa: Nani? *grabs Quatre tightly* Don't you dare!

Quatre: I'm not going to really do that!

Trowa: Good.

In Duo's bedroom, the Shinigami pilot stroked his braid. "You've been a comfort to me during all the pain of my life." he told it as he wrapped it around his throat, then stood atop a stepladder and tied the other end around a wooden support beam near the ceiling. 

Duo: It's not that long!

Heero: I know. I've tried.

Duo: *glares at Heero*

"Please... be a comfort once more to me. Let me leave this unloving world."  
  
//Without your love, Quatre, I have no hope, no life, and no future.//

Duo: Then I'm screwed, seeing as Q-man's with Tro-daddy.

Trowa: I'm not your pimp!

Quatre: But who is then?

Trowa: Uhhhhhhhhhh...

Quatre: *giggles*

Heero: Melodramatic much?  
  
He kicked the ladder out from under him, and everything went black...

Trowa: At least it didn't go chartreuse.

Heero glared at his computer screen. He'd managed to hack into Dr. J's system and had learned that he and Dr. G were responsible for the assaults on himself and his fellow pilots.

Heero: What, did they put it in their diaries?

Closing his laptop, he ran from his room and into Duo's  
  
"Duo..." Heero began as he ran into the room. "I've found out who..." he stopped short in horror. Then, he pulled his gun from its hiding place and fired two shots at the support beam. It would've been a little faster to shoot Duo's braid. But that seemed a sacrilege . 

Wufei: *finally breaks down and laughs*

Duo: It's the hair of the god of death! You bet it's a sacrilege!

Heero: *laughs manically*

He uncoiled it from around Duo's neck and began First Aid at once.  
  
"Heero!" Wufei ran into the room. He'd just got to ask Quatre to set the table and had found him on the floor near a bottle of pills he'd apparently tried to OD on. 

Quatre: Well, that answers that question!

Trowa: No! I don't believe it!

Quatre: Trowa, it didn't actually happen...

"Come on! We're going to the hospital!"  
  
"How'd you know..." Heero asked, between mouth-to-mouth exhales.  
  
"I didn't." Wufei replied. "It's Quatre I was talking about. He just took a little more than half a bottle of sleeping pills."

Heero: Why didn't he take the whole bottle?

Wufei: *continues to laugh*

Treize: *over loudspeaker* Are you aright, dragon?

Zechs: You've never heard him laugh?

Treize: No...

Zechs: *rhythmically bangs head on wall*  
  
**-----part 6-----  
**  
Quatre opened his eyes and saw Trowa looking down at him.  
  
"You died, too?" he asked.  
  
"No." Trowa shook his head. "You lived."  
  
"Why did you stop me?" Quatre asked. "You know I'd rather not live than live without my Duo's love."

Quatre: Uh, yes I would!

Wufei: *still laughing*  
  
A sob came from the braided occupant of the next bed. Quatre turned from Trowa and saw Duo lying there.  
  
"Duo?" Quatre asked. "What... what happened?"  
  
"I wanted to die." Duo said. "When you turned away like that. I thought... I thought you were ashamed of me."

Duo: So?

Wufei: *still laughing*  
  
"I did it because I thought I wasn't good enough to look upon someone as angelic as my Duo." Quatre explained.

Duo: I'm not angelic.

Trowa: But Quatre is.

Quatre: Awww...*hugs Trowa and sparkles appear*

Wufei: *still laughing*  
  
"Oh." Duo was both relieved that he'd been mistaken and ashamed that he'd thought Quatre would have been as superficial as that.

Wufei: *yet more laughter*

Dr. J put his equipment into his car and closed the trunk. 

Heero: What equipment?

As he was turning, he looked up and into the angry glare of Heero Yuy.

Heero: He's taller then me. How can he look up and see my glare?

Duo: We're all tiny! We're only 5"1'!  
  
"You got us raped, you son of a bitch."

Heero: That's putting it lightly.  
  
"Yes." Dr. J didn't even deny it. "It was an interesting experiment, I must say."  
  
"Experiment?!" Heero exploded. "You son of a bitch! You could've at least spared Quatre and Duo! I mean Wufei's been married so he probably wasn't a virgin, and I'm tough, I can handle stuff like that, and Trowa... well you know about Trowa. But Duo's had enough hardship in his life and Quatre was a virgin."

Heero: How do we know about Trowa? And Wufei was married?

Wufei: Hmph! *stops laughing*

Quatre: I'm not a virgin! Right Trowa?

Trowa: *with small smile* I don't know, little one. We'll have to make sure...

Quatre: *drags Trowa to back of theatre*  
  
"That was the point." Dr. J pointed out. "To see how people with a variety of background experiences would all react to the same crisis."  
  
"I'll tell you how they fuckin' reacted, you piece of shit." Heero screamed at the doctor, "Duo and Quatre tried to kill themselves!"  
  
"Did they succeed?"

Heero: *cocks his head*

Duo: That jerk!

Trowa: *moans from back*

Quatre: Ohhhh, Trowaaaaaaa...

Wufei: ...  
  
Heero stared at the doctor in horror. "They would have if they hadn't tried so close to dinner time." he replied.

Heero: So the moral of this story is never to kill yourself before dinner?  
  
The doctor started to laugh.  
  
That's when Heero shot him.

**-----TBC-----**

Heero: That's it? That's the end?

Duo: Just be grateful.

Heero: I wanna know what happens! *chibifies*

Duo: Kawaii! *glomps Heero*

Chibi Heero: *wails*

Quatre: *screams* Trowaaaaaaaaa!

Trowa: *moans loudly*

Duo: Hey! Virgin ears! *drags chibi Heero out, with Wufei following stupefied*

* * *

"So how was it?" Treize asked as Duo, chibi Heero, and Wufei came out of the theatre. Duo was clinging to the chibi tightly, making poor Heero gasp for air. Wufei had calmed down from his earlier hysterical laughter, and was now just letting out the occasional snicker.  
Duo shrugged. "Not too bad. She was picking on everyone this time, not just me. And now I have a chibi to play with!" He grinned insanely and ran off with poor Heero. Treize and Zechs sweatdropped.  
The general turned to Wufei. "How are you feeling now, dragon? Are you alright?"  
Wufei glared at Treize. "I would have been fine had you not followed me home and captured us in the first place, kisama! Dishonorable cur!" Wufei stomped off as he began a long justice rant. Treize smiled at the retreating pilot, causing more shoujo bubbles to appear.  
Zechs' sweatdrop grew. "General? Where are 03 and 04?"  
Treize frowned. "Good point." He switched the screen over to the theatre, only to be greeted by a...highly inappropriate scene.  
"Trowaaaaaa! Onegai, koibito, take me now!" Quatre screamed loud enough to wake the dead.  
Both Treize and Zechs went down with nosebleeds, leaving Trowa and Quatre to...enjoy themselves. The pair continued on their quest to inspire more authors to write 3x4 fiction, as the screen faded to black.

*Ow-

Trowa: Little one?

Quatre: Yes Trowa?

Trowa: About that fic before...*hands Quatre miniskirt, top, and panties*

Quatre: *screams and proceeds to throttle Trowa*

*Owari (for real this time!)*

So how was Mikata's and my second MiSTing? Feedback and flames can be sent to [jillypuff@cheerful.com][2] and [NamedAlex@aol.com][3] Stay tuned for next time, where we have a lovely piece lined up to torture poor Quatre. Ja ne! ~Jillypuff

   [1]: mailto:spandex_boy@wingzero.org
   [2]: mailto:jillypuff@cheerful.com
   [3]: mailto:NamedAlex@aol.com



	3. Default Chapter Title

Disclaimer: Jilly and I (yes, I finally got a turn at writing the disclaimer!) do not own either Gundam Wing or Mystery Science Theater 3000. Gundam Wing belongs to Shotsu Agency, Sunrise, Bandai, and many other people who are not us. Mystery Science Theater 3000 is owned by Best Brains, and other people who are once again not us, as much as we might want them. The poor fic we are MSTing is owned, once again, by Sephiroth. I know, I know, we really need a new person to pounce upon, but we promise that this is our last MSTing of her work… for awhile… we would have stopped now, but this is sort of a filler episode that will make the next one that much more enjoyable. Peace, ya'll!

In the nameless satellite, Duo was bouncing Heero, who was still a chibi, in his lap. The poor, hapless chibi could only bounce up and down on Duo's knee, struggling to be freed from the crazed pilot holding him captive. 

"Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy!" Duo yelled cheerfully, forgetting that Heero will kill him for the torments that he had inflicted upon him as a chibi. Namely, the bath he gave him after a desperate attempt to get away, in which he had gotten very dusty. Now all nice and dry, the chibi could do only one thing…

…cry. Little rivers flew from the chibi's squeezed-shut eyes, soaking the pilot beneath him. 

"Well, that's one way to take a bath." Duo muttered, trying to get out of the way of the waterfalls of tears that burst forth from the little chibi's eyes.

"Duo! You made Heero cry!" Quatre glared at Duo. "It's ok, Heero, it's ok…" Quatre's cutesy tone only made the chibi cry harder. Quatre plucked the chibi from Duo's lap and rocked him until he was pacified. 

"So, you like babies, 04?" Treize asked coolly, not waiting for an answer. "Then you'll love this fic."

"So in other words, we won't like it, but you're saying that to hear yourself talk." Trowa said evenly, causing Treize to shock him for his rudeness. Quatre ran over, still with the chibi, who wriggled out of his arms and over to Wufei while the two cuddled.

Wufei sighed, picked him up and handed him back to Duo.

"Zechs, are you really going to send this?"

"I just did sir." There was an undeniably wicked smirk plastered across his face.

Treize growled, then regained his composure. "All right, then. This story revolves around 04, and to a lesser extent, 02. I suppose the only solace I get from the fic if that I can protect my little dragon, since I don't believe he's even mentioned." Wufei glared at the screen. 

" Kisama! I can handle myself! I can stand your stupid torture!" 

Duo sighed and headed for the theater with Chibi-Heero on his back, yanking on his braid. Wufei followed, a mixture of happy at the fact he's not in the story, and pissy because Treize felt the need to protect him. The happy couple followed, never breaking their kiss to stop and talk in the doorway of the theater.

* * *

Wufei: One of these days, Khushrenada will see how much of a man I really am!

Duo: Damnit, Wufei, just give up and jump him already!

Chibi-Heero: *blinks* What's that mean?

Trowa: Don't swear in front of the chibi.

Duo: My poor Hee-chan! I'm so sorry! *hugs him*

Wufei: *coughs* Pedophile. *coughcough*

Duo: No, I'm not your boyfriend, Wu-man!

Wufei: And who might that be?

Duo: *cough* Khushrenada. *coughcough*

Wufei: *throttles Duo*

** **

**Family Connection  
  
**

Trowa: Sounds like a bad talk show.

Quatre: *giggles*

  
**-----part 1-----**

** **

Duo: Damnit, doesn't this girl write anything less than 5 parts?

Wufei: Maybe she just likes to make you suffer.

Chibi-Heero: With big kitties!

Duo: Wh- oh the panther. *sighs*

Chibi-Heero: *pulls Duo's braid*****

The Aries fighters bore down upon Sandrock, firing upon it until it fell into the depths of the sea like a ball of fire.  


Quatre: And I didn't fight back because… oh, yeah, the author HATES ME!

Wufei: *as church lady* Could it be… SATAN?

Quatre: Shameless TV plug #1!

"QUATRE!" Trowa screamed. "NO!" as tears ran down his cheeks as he fired on the OZ pilots who'd shot down Quatre. 

Quatre: Awww… that's so sweet. *hugs Trowa*

Wufei: In a sick, twisted way…

Duo: Wait a minute, Tro-daddy screamed? Who are you and what have you done with the real Trowa?

Trowa: *looks panicked for a second, then relaxes* Shut up, Duo.

Quatre: *yelps and hides behind Wufei*

Trowa: Little one…

Quatre: *crying* You're not my Trowa!

Trowa: Yes I am! Little one…

Quatre: Then how come you got scared when Duo said you're not the real Trowa?

Trowa: …

Then, he brought HeavyArms down into the deep waters, and though he was able to find the wreckage of the sweet pilot's Gundam, of Quatre Raberba Winner there was no sign.

Duo: Uh, ok, then where'd he go?

Chibi-Heero: Disney land! *pulls Duo's braid*

Duo: Um… thanks, Hee-chan.

Chibi Heero: *jumps up and down on Duo's lap*

Duo: *cuddles jumping chibi*  
  
****  
  
Quatre was awakened by the feel of fingers probing his virgin ass,

Quatre: No it's not! *mutters* Because Trowa insists on being seme…

Trowa: …

Chibi-Heero: What's that?

Duo: AAAACK! Don't say words like that in front of the chibi! *whacks Quatre*

Quatre: *meekly* Sorry, Duo.

lubricating and readying him. "Don't be afraid, sweet boy. Soon you'll be pregnant."

Quatre: *flatly* Isn't that sentence contradictory? I'm a boy, I'm not getting pregnant.

Wufei: *snorts*

Trowa and Quatre: *shoot death glares at Wufei*

Wufei: You know, Winner, it would work better if you weren't hiding behind me like the sissy onna-man that you are.

Quatre: You'd hide too if the person you thought was your boyfriend wasn't. Oh dear Allah, what if I had sex with him?!

Trowa: *confused* But you did, little one

Quatre: *wails*

Trowa: …  
  
Quatre struggled, but the restraints were holding him in place. "What are you talking about? I'm a boy."  


Quatre: My point exactly!

Wufei: *snorts*

Chibi-Heero: *wanders over to Quatre* Hi.

Quatre: Hi! *put him on his lap*

Chibi-Heero: You're girly!

Quatre: *ignores chibi*

  
"I'm implanting an egg in you. You've been given drugs to ensure that your body will bear the child to term. Once the egg is implanted, Colonel Treize is going to fuck you and you will bear his child."

Trowa: Why? Why go to all the trouble to hurt my little one?

Quatre: Trowa… it is you, isn't it? I'm so sorry! *hugs Trowa*

Trowa: Hn… little one… *hugs back*

Chibi-Heero *wanders over to Duo, sits in his lap, and promptly un-chibifies*

Duo: Uh… hi Heero *sweatdrops*

Heero: Omae o korosu! *throttles Duo with braid*

Duo: *choked* I probably deserve this...  
  
"Please, don't do this?" Quatre asked gently. "Please?"

Quatre: Trowa! I'm not that wussy, am I? I would be fighting and kicking and screaming!

Trowa: I know, little one.  
  
Treize walked into the room wearing only a bathrobe. 

Wufei: WHAT? KISAMA! *Nosebleeds*

Duo: It's not like he's going to get *you* pregnant, Wu-man.

Heero: *stuck straddling Duo*

Duo: *nosebleeds*

Trowa:…

"Is the 'mother' ready to be inseminated?"

Quatre: Why can't he get a *real* girl like Lady Une or Dorothy?

Trowa: Because she needs to torment us?

Quatre: *sulks*  
  
"Yes." the doctor replied. "he's very tight. He will suffer, but he will survive your coupling."

Quatre: *looks smug* It is tight…isn't it, Trowa?

Trowa: *gooses Quatre*

Quatre: *eeps* Hentai! *presses against Trowa*  
  
Treize removed the bathrobe and stepped up to Quatre, pushing his erection into the blonde Arabian  
  
Quatre: Without preparation? Oh well… I'm used to it…

Heero: She makes it sound like a baseball game…

Quatre: Trowa never strikes out…

Wufei: *stares*

  
As he lost his virginity to the OZ leader, Quatre started to cry. 

Quatre: A, I wouldn't cry, and B, I lost my virginity to Trowa!

Each thrust felt like the stab of a knife, shattering a piece of his heart even as it torn at the tender flesh within him.

Wufei: Ha! Stupid onna! Can't form her sentences right!

Then Treize came, and Quatre slumped in defeat and shame.

Duo: She's a poet, and she didn't know it! 

Wufei: Thank you… for that…

Duo: You're welcome!

Heero: *still straddling Duo* Shut up.

Duo: *meekly* Yes, sir.  
  
Treize pulled out of Quatre, pulled the bathrobe back on, and walked away without ever looking back

Treize: *over loudspeaker* Oh, come on! I have more honor and dignity than that! Milliardo, where did you find this piece?

Zechs: In the archive…. *mutters* This coming from the man who tried to have phone-sex with a 15 year old…

  
*deafening silence as Treize shoots Zechs a death glare*  
  
*****  
  
Trowa placed a single rose upon Quatre's grave. After four months with no word, he was sure the boy he loved had perished. He was heartbroken, unable to comprehend the terrible loss he felt.

Quatre: Oh Trowa!

Trowa: *holds Quatre tight*  
  
Duo had grown to be a comfort to him for some strange reason Trowa couldn't quite grasp.

Quatre: Nani?! Trowa…

Trowa: Yes, my little Quatre?

Quatre: *sweetly* If you ever touch Duo, whether I'm dead or alive, I'll kill you.

Trowa: *wilts*

Duo: Why would I want Tro-daddy anyway? He's creepy.

Quatre: Who cares if he's creepy! He's MINE! MINE!

Duo: *whimpers*

Wufei: Then why do you keep referring to him as your pimp?

Duo: *ignores Wufei*

Heero: *evil glee* Maybe he sold you to the panther…

Duo: *ignores Heero*

The braided pilot hadn't been trying to offer solace, yet in some way he had. 

Quatre: Cause he's a total jerk!

Duo: I thought you didn't want me near Trowa!

Heero: *still straddling Duo* Quit complaining.

Duo: Yes, sir.

The other pilots had also been done their best to help Trowa through his ordeal, but it was Duo who was the greatest help.  


Quatre: You're ALLsleeping with him?! I'll kill you all! *maniacal ZERO System giggling*

Heero: *still on Duo's lap* Shut up, Quatre, or I'll jam you in a garbage can.

Quatre: *pulls out mini-beam cannon* Want to try it?

Heero: *sweatdrops*  


*****  
  


Wufei: *flatly* Look at the pretty stars.

Duo: Good Wufei! *pats Wufei's head* now can you count them?

Wufei: *bites Duo*

Duo: Ow! This is so *not* cool!

Heero: *face close to Duo* Shut up.

Duo: *spaces out* Yes, Heero…

Heero: *sweatdrops* Something wrong?

Duo: No…

  
Four months pregnant, Quatre felt a sudden urge to escape his confinement. 

Quatre: *sarcastic* It's like pickle cravings… one of those silly pregnancy things. It'll pass…

The OZ troops were working on some kind of teleportation device, and he knew that if he could get to it, he might be able to use it to escape. 

Quatre: *still sarcastic* It's so nice that they kept me informed! Don't you think, Trowa?

Trowa: *kisses Quatre*

Quatre: *melts*

Heero: I guess they decided to make newsletters for prisoners now…

Duo: I never got one! *grumbles*

So he waited. And when they came for his examination, he made his move, running as fast as he could with his pursuers at his heels.  
  
The device stood before him, controls already set. Treize and Zechs were standing before it, ready to use it.

Quatre: They're using Treize and Zechs for this?

Treize: *whispers to Zechs* This was bad planning on our part…

Heero: Good riddance!

But Quatre grabbed a soldier's weapon and fired upon it,

Trowa: Little one…

Quatre: What… did I … grab?

Wufei: *facefaults*

diving through it at the same time, and grabbing the blueprints so they could not make another.

Quatre: I thought those were made naturally…

Heero: I'm confused… *leans on Duo*

Duo: *nosebleeds*

Trowa: Duo, you're beating Wufei out as being the nosebleeding wonder.

Wufei: *looks smug*

Duo: *sulks*  
  
Just after Quatre dove through the portal, the machine exploded.

Quatre: I dove through the _exploding_ machine? Ow! Trowa!

Trowa: Where does it hurt, little one?

Quatre: A few places… *sultry smile* I think you'll need to kiss them better…

Trowa and Wufei: *nosebleed*  
  
Quatre looked around his surroundings but nothing was familiar. It didn't matter. This was a beautiful city, where he could raise his little baby once it was born.   


Quatre: I wish Trowa was there to raise the baby with me…

Duo: Q-man… this isn't really happening…

Quatre: *snaps* Shut up, Duo!

Heero: *head on Duo's shoulder* Can't you keep quiet?

Duo: If you want…

  
"It's so very beautiful here." he told himself. "I love this place. I wish the others could see it, too."

Quatre: Especially Trowa.  
  
He found a doctor who was willing to help him through his unusual condition.  


Quatre: *coughs* Unusual? *twitches*

Wufei: To say the least

  
For the next five months, Quatre built a copy of the machine. By the time he was in labor, it was complete, but he was in too much pain to use it.  


Quatre: Where's the baby going to come out?!

Wufei: *snorts*

  
The doctor performed a c-section. 

Quatre: Oh… *sighs in relief*

Heero: This isn't really happening…

Quatre: Good point.

"Your son is fine." he told Quatre. "Are you sure this thing is safe?"  
  
Quatre nodded. "Perfectly." he told the doctor. "But it can only handle one traveler at a time. 

Wufei: And he knows this… how?

Quatre: My uchuu no kokoro told me.

Wufei: Well tell your uchuu no kokoro this! *flips him off*

Quatre: *wails* Trowa!

Trowa: *kisses Quatre*

I'll go through first, then you send the baby through. It'll be just like handing him through a door."

Wufei: Through time and space...  
  
*****  
  
Wufei, Heero, Duo, and Trowa were watching television when the portal opened up in the living room and Quatre came tumbling through it.

Quatre: How'd I know where they were?

Wufei: *snottily* Your uchuu no kokoro?*

Quatre: *sweetly* Know what it's telling me right now?

Trowa: *whispers into Quatre's ear* Something kinky, I hope.

Quatre: In a minute. Right now… *whacks Wufei with shoujo mallet*

Wufei: Ow! Kisama!

*Treize shocks Quatre*

Quatre: *wails* I'm not in the mood for kinky now!  
  
"QUATRE?!" Trowa was suddenly all over the blond pilot, covering him with kisses, which Quatre returned, with great cheer.

Quatre: Now I am! *kisses Trowa*  
  
Quatre turned and waited for the other portal to open, but it never did.

Quatre: Never. Ever. I stood there for all eternity and it _ never_ opened.  
  
******  
  
At the place Quatre had left, explosions now rocked the peaceful city as great war machines brought down homes and businesses alike. The hospital where Quatre had opened the portal was destroyed and the doctor died shielding the son Quatre had so greatly loved..

Quatre: *cries* It's so sad!

Heero: It's not real…

Trowa: *cuddles Quatre*  
  
*****  
  
"Quatre?" Trowa asked. "What's wrong? Who are you waiting for?"  
  
"My son." Quatre told them about the experiment, about his method of escape, and about the beautiful baby boy he'd given birth to. 

Quatre: At this point, Trowa would have put me in a mental institution.

"I don't know what place I was in, the news was of no interest, I had a baby to think of and that kept my mind occupied. I wanted you guys to see him. He was so very beautiful."

Heero: Five months and you didn't care?

Quatre: I was pregnant, I had better things to worry about.

Wufei: Like growing man-boobs to nurse the baby.

Quatre: Nani?

Wufei: Nothing...  
  
"What did he look like?" Wufei asked.  
  
"He looked like..." Quatre paused. "Like... " his jaw dropped. "Allah..." he whispered. "But... that's.. it can't be.... Can it?"  


Quatre: My child looked like Tsuberov!

Wufei: Don't even joke about that!

Heero: *faints from the horrible mental picture, and ends up draped across Duo*

  
"Quatre?" Trowa asked. "What is it?"

Wufei: It's… Soylent Green!

Duo: *stares at Wufei* And you say *I'm* a baka…

Wufei: You are! Just be lucky Heero hasn't asked you why your wallet is right on your crotch.

Duo: *sweatdrops and whimpers*

Wufei: *smirks*  
  
Quatre was silent for a moment, not sure whether he should speak. Then, gathering his courage, he said what was on his mind.

Quatre: *as himself* I like potatoes. Potatoes are good.

Trowa: Hn… sounds kinky, little one..

Quatre: Hentai! *rubs up against Trowa*  
  
"Duo is my son."

Quatre: *falls off of Trowa* _ **Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanniiiiiiiiiii?**_****

Wufei: Is that possible?

Duo: So the portal is a time machine too? How do you combine Treize and Quatre's features to get mine?

Wufei: A horrible accident.

Heero: *stirs, and rubs against Duo's stomach.*

Quatre: At least he doesn't have forked eyebrows!

Duo: *shudders, causing Heero to wake*

Treize: Just what is wrong with my eyebrows?

Zechs: You answered your own question, sir.

Treize: No one asked you, mask boy!

Zechs: *sputters* Boy?!

Duo: What does he look like under the mask? Is he horribly deformed?

Treize: Ask him.

Zechs:…

**-----part 2-----**

"Your..." Heero asked, in disbelief.  
  
"But... how is that possible?" Trowa asked.  


Trowa: You did just explain this, didn't you?

Quatre: You were too busy with... other things…

Trowa: EVERYONE WAS!!?

Quatre: Well, I am cute…

Trowa: *sulks*

  
"I gave birth to him after escaping from OZ in what was apparently some kind of time machine." Quatre explained.  
  
"MOMMY!" Duo glomped Quatre.

Duo: No, I would never do that even if Quatre _was_ my mommy.

Quatre: Thank you.

Heero: Good to know…  
  
"So, who's his father?" Wufei asked.  
  
"I'd rather not say." Quatre said, stroking Duo's hair with maternal affection.

Quatre: *whimpers*  
  
"Oh no." Duo shook his head. "Please tell me it wasn't Zechs. Please tell me it wasn't Zechs."

Zechs: Hn.

Heero: Shut up! Do you want Duo as your child?

Zechs: No. I don't. At all.  


Duo: Well I don't want you for a daddy, so we're even!

Heero: Shut up! Don't provoke him!

  
"It wasn't Zechs." Quatre assured him.  
  
Duo relaxed, visibly.  
  
It was Treize, wasn't it?" Trowa realized. "That bastard raped you."

Treize: *pissy* I would not rape anyone!  
  
A tear trickled down Quatre's face. He felt Duo tense. "Duo-chan," he said, "my son. It doesn't diminish what I feel for you. 

Quatre: Severe irritation.

Duo: Oh, _you're_ a good mother!

You are my son and I will always love you."  
  
"I'm a reminder of what happened to you." Duo whispered.  
  
"You're a reminder that even the darkest moments can bring forth beautiful results."

Wufei: *snorts*  
  
"Quatre?"  
  
Everyone turned to face Heero  


Heero: Oh no, what did I do?

  
Heero bowed. "I'd like your permission to marry Duo."

Heero: *maniacal laughter*

Quatre: I will never let Heero touch any of my children!

Duo: Why don't you ask me if you want to marry me?

**-----part 3-----**

"You... you want...?" Duo was suddenly at a loss for words. He turned to Quatre, looking up at the boy he'd just learned was his mother.  


Wufei: No comment needed.

Duo: Damn! You stole my line again!

Heero: It's Wufei's now.

Duo: TRAITOR!

Heero: *falls off of Duo's lap*

Duo: Sorry Heero. *helps him up*

Heero: *sits in seat*

  
Quatre was smiling. "You have it." he permitted. "Provided, that is, you can put up with having Trowa as a step-father."  
  
"I think we can handle that." Duo purred. "Can't we, honey?"

Heero: *twitches* Honey?  
  
Heero hmph'ed, though the tone was clearly cheerful and meant to convey an affirmative answer.

Duo: How the hell are we supposed to tell what his hmphs mean?

Heero: A handbook?  
  
"Shall we make it a double wedding, then?" Quatre suggested.  
  
"We're not just going to exchange vows here?" Duo blinked.  


Quatre: In front of who? Wufei?

Trowa:…

Wufei: *sputters* I am.. not .. a chaplain…

  
"Not on your life." Quatre shook his head. "My family deserves better and that's what we're going to get. Just as soon as dad gets over the shock of my being a mom and marrying another boy."  


Quatre: A, he'd never get over it, and B, he's dead so it doesn't matter.

  
*****  
  
"You're *WHAT*?!"  
Quatre accepted a soft drink from the butler and sipped it. "Thank you." he said, politely. 

Duo: Since when does Quatre drink anything other than tea?

Quatre: I drink other things sometimes!

Wufei: *mutters* Like cum...

"Trowa and I are getting married." he replied. "I know you wanted me to find a girl and give you a grandchild, but I'm in love with Trowa. And besides, I've already given you a grandson."  
  
"You..?" the elder Winner was trying to adjust to this news. "Who is the mother of this child you've sired?"  


Wufei: No comment-

Duo: Nocommentneeded! Ha! Beat you to it!

Wufei: Quatre, can I borrow your shoujo mallet?

Quatre: Get your own!

Trowa: *sweatdrops*

  
//What am I, a tomcat?// Quatre asked himself, not liking his father's particular choice of words.  


Quatre: She does have my father in character…

  
"I am." he replied. "I carried the child."  


Quatre: ...around on my head. For nine months.

  
"Say you were raped and I will forgive you."

Quatre: *sarcastic* yup! Sounds like Dad!

Trowa: *hugs Quatre*  
  
"I was." Quatre replied. "But I do not hate my son. On the contrary, I care very much for and about him. He is here, along with Trowa and Heero."

Quatre: Ummm, he wouldn't know who Trowa and Heero were.  
  
His father turned to the butler. "Show my son's.... friends ... in please."  
  
The butler nodded and went to fetch the others.  
  
"Heero Yuy, Trowa Barton, and Duo Maxwell, sir."  
  
"Where is your son?" Quatre's father asked.

Duo: He's in Heero's spandex!

Heero: Hn? No, you aren't.

Duo: I was joking. *nosebleeds at the thought*  
  
Quatre pulled Duo forward. "He's my son, father."  
  
"He's as old as you are." Quatre's father blurted out. "And unless you're Zeus and he's Athena, I don't see how that's possible."

Wufei: No comment needed.

Duo: Damn it to hell!  
  
"I traveled back in time when I escaped from OZ and gave birth while I was in the past." Quatre quietly told the tale of his visit to the past, and how he'd left Duo behind, not realizing that the machine would be destroyed before the child could be sent forward.  


Quatre: *sarcastic yet again* 'Cause doesn't this happen to everyone?

  
"Anyhow," Quatre concluded, "to make a long story short."  
  
"Too late!" the others chorused, recalling the old joke.

Heero: What old joke?

Duo: Do you understand the concept of jokes?

Heero: No.  
  
Quatre frowned. "I've given Duo and Heero my blessing and I'd like to get yours."  
  
"You want to marry Trowa."  
  
Quatre nodded. "Yes. I love him."  


Quatre: And at this point, I would be disinherited, kicked out of the house, and have to watch Trowa be castrated.

Trowa: Isn't that going overboard?

Quatre: You don't know my father. He got himself blown up along with a resource satellite to spite OZ and the colonies.

  
His father sighed. "I'll never get used to this." he admitted. "But I never could deny you, Quatre. 

Quatre: *bitterly* Ha!

Very well. You have my permission."

**-----part 4-----**

Quatre hugged Trowa, happily. "We're getting married!" he cheered. "I'm so happy!" he let go of his fiancé and hugged his father. "Thanks, dad! I'll never forget this!"

Quatre: Like I could forget… *as himself* Oops, sorry Trowa, forgot we were married. Maybe I shouldn't have slept with Wufei…  
  
"Yeah, thanks, Gramps." Duo grinned.  


Quatre:*twitches* You called my father 'Gramps?'

Duo: It was story me! Not real me!

  
"However..."  
  
Quatre tensed a bit.  
  
"No son or grandson of mine is going to have a cheap wedding. We're going to do this right."  
  
Quatre smiled in relief and happiness. This was beyond anything he'd hoped for.  
  
Outside the room, one of the servants listened. He listened as his masters made plans for Quatre's marriage to the boy, Trowa. Listened in disbelief as the boy who Quatre called his son laughed and planned his own wedding with his fiancé, a soldier named Heero Yuy.

Quatre: Would they rather we elope?   
  
He pulled another servant aside. "Its an embarrassment." he whispered. "Quatre marrying another man. And having a son as well."  
  
"That's probably why he's getting married." the other echoed the unspoken thoughts of the first servant. "If we eliminate this Duo Maxwell, then our dear Quatre won't have to lower himself to such a shameful act."  


Quatre: I don't have to lower myself to marry Trowa! I love Trowa! 

Trowa: *kisses Quatre*

  
"We should do it as soon as possible."  


Wufei: Do what? Dance around with lampshades on our heads?

Duo: Only you, Wufei.

*splashing noises are heard as Treize nosebleeds into the microphone*  
  
"Quatre," his father suggested, unaware of the plot against his grandson, "you haven't had much time alone with Duo since you found out, have you?"  
  
"Not really." Quatre admitted.  
  
"Why don't you two take a walk around the grounds, then? It'll give you a chance to get to know each other as father and son. And it'll give me a chance to speak to your charming fiancés."

Quatre: Not to mention a perfect plot device.  
  
"Thanks, Dad." Quatre smiled. "That's a terrific idea."  
  
The older man watched them go, then turned to speak to Heero. He'd barely got his mouth open when he heard screams from his son and grandson. He rushed into the corridor, followed by Heero and Trowa.  


Wufei: There they found them watching a porno movie with Tsuberov and Quinze.

Heero, Duo, and Quatre: *faint. Heero falls into Duo's lap, Duo falls backwards, and Quatre falls into Trowa's lap.*

Trowa: *smacks Wufei*

  
Duo was lying on the ground, cradled in Quatre's arms, blood pouring from a wound in his back as Quatre glared with pure hate in his eyes at the servant who stood there, hands covered with Duo's blood.  
  
Quatre's father saw the look in his son's eyes and turned on the man who'd taught Quatre how to hate.  


Trowa: *growls*

Quatre: *stirs* Trowa?

  
"What have you done?" he demanded, angrily.  


Wufei: *as servant* I spilled Kool-aid all over Master Duo! Please don't cut off my hands for my clumsiness!

Quatre: *yawns* He wears black, so it won't show.

  
"Quatre.... father...." Duo choked, blood coming from his mouth as he spoke. 

Quatre: I thought I was his mother

Trowa: If Heero was awake, he'd say something mean involving a panther.  
  
Quatre's eyes soften as he looked down at his son. 

Wufei: Good grammar there.

"Shhh... don't try to talk... you're going to be okay. You have to be okay. You're getting married. You're going to have a beautiful wedding and some day, maybe you and Heero will have a wonderful son like I have and .... Duo?"  
  
The braided boy was silent now, eyes closed, slumped back in his father's arms.

**-----part 5-----**

Quatre's father summarily dismissed the servant who'd stabbed Duo, then summoned his doctors.  


Quatre: *sarcastic* That's a good punishment.

  
"Do everything you can." he ordered them. "I want this boy to live. I don't care what it takes."  
  
Quatre released his son into the doctors' care. His own father put a hand on his shoulder as the other boy was rushed into the medical facility.  
  
"Please, Allah, " the older man whispered, "please don't take my grandson. It would break Quatre's heart. Please, don't take Duo from us." He lead Quatre and the others into the waiting area and ordered food for all of them.  
  
"I'm not hungry." Quatre told him, sullenly.  
  
"I know, my child." his father replied. "But you need to eat. To keep your strength up.  
  
Quatre sighed and selected a snack. He'd barely touched it two hours later, when a doctor walked into the room

Quatre: Wow… we've barely said anything this chapter.

Trowa:…

Wufei: No comment needed.

Quatre: *sighs*

**-----part 6-----**

"How is he?" Quatre asked.  
  
"He's..." the doctor paused, the restarted, correcting himself, "Master Duo is still very weak, but he pulled through surgery just fine and he's expected to make a full recovery."  
  
"May I see him?" Quatre asked. "Please?"  
  
"Of course, Master Quatre." the doctor nodded.  
  
Duo was sound asleep in the recovery bed, lying on his stomach. His wound had been mended and dressed and he was now resting comfortably.  
  
"My son," Quatre whispered, "you're going to live. And in a few days, we're going to marry the men we love. This makes me happy. I wonder if OZ has any of that anti-rejection drug left." he mused, aloud, to himself. "If they did, Trowa and I could...oh well... its a nice thought." he stroked Duo's hair and kissed him, softly, on the forehead.  


Quatre: Trowa?

Trowa: Yes little one?

Quatre: If we have a child, you're carrying it.

The door opened, and Quatre looked up. Trowa and the others were standing there. He wanted to tell them Duo was okay, that he would live, but not here. Duo needed rest. So he joined them and closed the door behind him.  
  
"Piece of cake." Duo whispered, drifting back to sleep with a sly smile etched upon his angelic lips.

**-----TBC-----**

Trowa: Those last two chapters sucked

Quatre: *yawns* Yeah… I'm sleepy, Trowa…

Trowa and Quatre: *fall asleep*

Wufei: *sighs and leaves*

* * *

Wufei left the theater alone, leaving the other bakas to sleep. 

"So, Dragon, now we're all alone…" Treize purred. Zechs cleared his throat. "Oh! Milliardo! Do get out of here!" Treize said, sounding agitated. Without allowing Zechs to act, he shoved him out and slammed the door. It came closed on the back of Zechs's red jacket. Treize ignored the struggling and cursing of his subordinate and turned to the screen. 

"Now, as I was saying," he shot a glare at the door. "we're all alone now, my little dragon… I think I'll bring you down and we can be together…" the general zoned out and bubbles started floating around his head. Wufei looked at him with big wide eyes, and began to back up.

"Dragon, where are you going? Won't you at least give me a kiss through the screen?" 

Wufei ran.

"Where are you going? Dragon? Dragon? Where did he go? I lose more dragons that way…" 

"Shameless Warner Brothers plug #1." Duo said sullenly, trudging out of the theater, cradling the form of the perfect solider.

"Ah, 02. Did you enjoy the fic?"

"I still want to know how you get Quatre and you to make me."

Treize stared at Duo. "You're still hung up on that?"

"Oh, yeah, and WHAT DOES THIS GIRL HAVE AGAINST ME!?" Duo wails.

"But you looked cute with the panther…" Treize smirked as Duo ran away wailing, still carrying the sleeping perfect solider.

Trowa exited last, carrying Quatre, who was still asleep.

"What about you, 03? Did you enjoy the fic?" Trowa got very close to the screen, and spoke in a deadly tone.

"If you ever touch my little one, I will rip you open from end to end and leave you for birds to pick at your still living body."

Treize shrank back for a moment, then realized Trowa couldn't do anything to him.

"I'll keep that in mind. Besides, I couldn't want anyone except my precious dragon…" more bubbles appeared and floated around the general's head, causing a massive sweatdrop from Trowa, and a gag from Wufei. "Dragon! There you are!"

"Kuso!" Wufei ran, trying to escape the terrifying image of the shoujo-bubbling OZ leader.

Trowa shrugged and went to his room to wake his little one and screw him silly.

*Owa-

Quatre: It might be nice to have a baby…

Trowa: If it looks like you.

Quatre: I want it to have your eyes.

Trowa: Little one…

*Trowa and Quatre kiss sweetly as we fade to black*

*Owari*


	4. Default Chapter Title

Hey guys! Mikata and I are back with our fourth MiSTing! The side story for this one directly relates to last episode, so read that one first. As always, feedback can be sent to [Jillypuff@cheerful.com][1] or [NamedAlex@aol.com][2]

Disclaimer: Neither of us owns the G-boys or Gundam Wing. MST3K isn't ours either. 'Heero's Secret' belongs to Cyrelia. No insult is intended towards her or the fic. It would be quite good, if it weren't for the squicky pairing…

_In the rather distant future,  
Around the colonies in space,  
Heero Yuy and the Gundam boys,   
were caught in an endless chase._

_Pursued by a man whose name is Treize,   
an OZ general who's screwing with the human race.   
He threw a few things in his purse (~_^),   
and with his best friend Zechs he chases them all across the universe._

**_Treize: _**_I'll send them crappy fanfics,   
the worst I can find, (**Zechs**: Lalala)   
They'll have to sit and read them all,   
and I'll liquefy their minds._

_Now keep in mind Heero can't control  
where the fanfics begin or end.   
He'll slowly lose his sanity,   
with the help of his G-boy friends._

**_Heero:_**_ G-boy roll call!_

_Duo! (I'm Shinigami!)_

_Trowa! (...)_

_Quatre! (Oh, Allah, what did I do to deserve this?)_

_Wufei! (Injustice!)_

_If you're wondering why no one's killed Duo yet,   
or other pointless facts,  
you should keep in mind this is a fanfic,   
and you should really just relax,   
For Mystery Gundam Theatre A. C. 195!_

Aboard the mysterious satellite currently in orbit around Earth, chaos abounded. At that particular moment, Trowa was running from his psychotic boyfriend Quatre, who was holding a shoujo mallet and screaming bloody murder. The other three pilots were all making attempts to hold the Arabian back, without much success.

"Little one, what's going on? Quatre! Why are you trying to kill me?" Trowa almost begged of the boy.

"I hate you! You're going to die for this, Trowa Barton!" Quatre raged, glaring venomously at his koi.

"Q-man, snap outta it! What did Tro-daddy do that was so awful?" Duo inquired of his angry friend.

Wufei cocked his head. "He's probably just still cranky from vomiting all over the bathroom the last three days," he pointed out. "Just put him to bed already, Barton, and be done with it!"

"It's _his _fault I was sick!" Quatre yelled. "I can't believe you would do this to me, Trowa!" He sniffled.

Poor Trowa looked utterly lost and exasperated. "_What_, Quatre? What the hell did I do?!" he yelled at his boyfriend.

Quatre glowered at him with fury in his eyes. Opening his mouth, he screamed…

…

……

………

…………

……………

………………

…………………

……………………

…………………

………………

……………

…………

………

……

…

"YOU GOT ME PREGNANT, TROWA BARTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

With that, Quatre collapsed into a pitiful ball on the floor, weeping hysterically.

Poor Trowa just stood there, an expression of shock displacing his normally stoic features.

"Little one, that's not _possible_…" he said in a strangled tone. "Boys don't get pregnant!"

"Well, I did!" Quatre wailed. "And since you're the only one I've been with…"

"Hey now, everyone just calm down!" Duo interjected. He turned to Quatre. "Now Quatre, why do you think you're…um…expecting?"

The blond sniffled some more. "Well, I kept throwing up every morning and I didn't know what was wrong with me and then Heero made a joke about me having morning sickness-" Everyone turned to glare at Heero at this point, who simply shrugged. "-and then I thought oh no what if OZ did to me what they did to me in the last fic we read so I asked Treize and Zechs to send up a pregnancy test and they did and I took it and it came out positive!" Quatre finished and just sat there, looking vaguely triumphant.

"Well, this can be cleared up easily enough," said an irritated Wufei. He turned to the viewscreen. "Khushrenada! Did you and Marquise experiment on Winner?"

At the OZ base…

Treize and Zechs were trying not to fall over from laughter at Quatre. "I think our plan to drive the pilots insane is working better than we thought, sir," Zechs snickered.

"Most assuredly," agreed Treize. "Shall we continue to play with 04's mind?"

Zechs gave an evil grin. "Why not?"

Treize nodded and turned on the viewscreen, making sure both he and Zechs were composed first. 

"Well, well, well," he began. "I see you five have discovered our other experiment…"

Back on the nameless satellite… 

"SEE?!" shrieked Quatre. "I told you!"

Trowa growled. "I want to know who the father is," he said softly, giving a deathglare worthy of Heero to the Ozzies.

"Oh, don't worry, 03," Treize said cheerily. "We only put an egg inside 04. We left it up to you to impregnate him." He elbowed Zechs lightly, who had almost fallen over with laughter again.

Duo grinned. "This is so cool! Q-man's going to be a mommy!" He hugged Quatre. "Does that make me and Heero and Wufei uncles?"

Quatre gave a weak smile, having calmed down some. "I guess…but please don't refer to me as a mother, Duo. I'm still male."

Treize cleared his throat, halting the conversation before Heero or Wufei could contradict poor Quatre. "Now that that's settled, it's time for your fic," he reminded them. "This time, it's your turn to star, 01." Treize then became starry-eyed. "And dragon and I get a moment in this one!"

This news caused Wufei to run screaming from the viewscreen. Unfortunately, the only real place for him to hide was the theatre. Heero and Duo shared a sweatdrop and followed.

Quatre lingered by the screen. "Um, is there any chance I can get out of this fic on maternity leave?" he inquired.

Zechs shook his head. "I'm afraid not. Don't worry, only Yuy will really suffer in this one."  
Trowa nodded and swept Quatre up into his arms. The blond giggled and squirmed. "Trowa!"

The pilot of Heavyarms smiled. "Well, I have to be extra careful with you now, little one. You are bearing my child, you know."

Quatre smiled back and kissed Trowa's cheek. The last two G-boys entered the theatre, leaving Treize and Zechs to resume laughing maniacally.

* * *****

Wufei: *hides under chair* Is he gone?

Duo: *meanly* No.

Wufei: *hucks book at Duo*

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or any of its characters (Though it's *so* not fair ::sniff::) **

Heero: That's a good thing. 

** I'm also not making any money off of this so please don't sue me.**

Duo: Awww...****

**Heero's Secret  
By Cyrelia**

Heero: My secret what?

Quatre: Secret recipe for barbecued chicken!

Heero: Huh?**  
  
"Heero," came the shrill protest, "you know you love me so why can't you just admit it already?!"**

Heero: I know I love who?

Duo: Tsuberov!!!!

Heero: *whimpers* He molested me!

Duo: He molested all of us.

Quatre: Not me! I guess going insane was a good thing...

Trowa: *nervous* Yeah, Quatre, a good thing... *Edges away*

Wufei: Isn't insanity bad for the baby?

Quatre: Wah! I'm a bad mother!

** Exasperated, and finally worn down beyond all semblance of patience Heero just couldn't stand it any longer. Besides, it was probably going to come out anyway. **

Heero: What?

Duo: You're coming out of the closet?

Heero: Closet? I'm in a theatre...

Duo: Never mind.

** "Because Relena, there's someone else." It was at this moment that an unfortunate Duo happened to come casually strolling through the doorway. It's you isn't it you cheap little slut?!"**

Wufei: Wow, they managed to get Duo in character for once.

Duo: Hmph! I'm ignoring that.

Wufei: Then how come you responded?

** "Huh?" She made a lunge straight for his throat but was halted by two strong arms which grabbed her by the waist. **

Trowa: Going against complete and total pacifism...

Quatre: *as Relena* Screw pacifism! I wanna get laid!

Trowa: I'd be happy to comply...

Quatre: Not until the baby's born.

Trowa: Now _I_ wanna get laid...

** "Knock it off. It isn't Duo." She immediately ceased her struggling. He let her go and then turned towards the source of the disturbance.**

Duo: Oh like it's my fault.

Trowa: Everything's your fault.

Duo: At least I didn't knock up Quatre!

Wufei: which we're all glad for.

Quatre: Especially me!

**"What are you doing here?" Duo actually managed somewhat embarrassed. **

Heero: ...What? Who's talking?

Duo: I think you are...

** "Well...um...I...er thought that when you said there was someone else that it might be Relena." **

Trowa: Wait, I thought Relena was the one with the problem.

Quatre: He's cheating on both of them with...Tsuberov!

Heero: *looks faint*

** Heero glared at him. "Well, as you can see, it's not...." His laptop started to beep. **

Quatre: It's his laptop?!?! I don't want this sort of influence on my child!!!

Heero: Hn! What about you and your Gundam? You keep calling it 'dear Sandrock!'

Quatre: Come on, I'm nowhere near as bad as Wufei!

Wufei: *twitches*

** He quickly turned around and practically ran to the machine, reading the message eyes bright, almost feverish. **

Heero: If I'm ever that happy for a mission, shoot me.

** "So what is it Mr. Perfect soldier Yuy? Another mission no doubt."**

Heero: My name is Heero.

Quatre: I thought that was a code name.

Heero: Be quiet. At least my real name isn't 'four.'

Quatre: *mutters* I like my name...

Trowa: I like it too. *nibbles Quatre's ear*

Quatre: *smiles*

**"Mission," Heero acknowledged, "special mission."**

Heero: How special is it? I don't want to crossdre- *stops*

Duo: You've had to crossdress?! 

Heero: Shut up!

Duo: *nosebleeds*

**"Oh, well in that case we'd better..." Heero looked at him as if he had just grown another head. **

Trowa: A third one?

Quatre: *smacks Trowa* Not in front of the baby.

Wufei: *mutters* And Maxwell would only be growing a second head anyway.

** "No! Only I can go."  
"But Heero..."  
"It's special Duo!" And with that he quickly stood nearly knocking Duo over as he ran out the door.**

Heero: Again, if I'm ever that happy for a mission, shoot me.

**"What was that all about?" The two looked at one another until Duo snapped out of his shock and glanced at the screen. "Oi,**

Duo: Since when am I Jewish?!

**look at this, the message is still on the screen. **

Heero: I'm never that sloppy. And it would waste the batteries on my laptop.

** Relena read over his shoulder her eyes growing wide as saucers.**

Duo: That still makes them smaller then Quatre's.

Quatre: *wails*

Trowa: It's okay...*pats Quatre on the back***  
  
Heero,  
Meet me at the rendezvous point we agreed on 10 South St., Room #17. You know   
what to do.  
  
-BP**

Heero: No, I don't. *looks at Duo* Really, I don't.

Duo: We believe you.**  
  
"Ohmygod! He must be going to meet whoever this is. **

Wufei: *sarcastic* Really!

** Room 17 must be the hotel room number."**

Wufei: *mock applauds*

**"It's probably one another one of those perverts you works with," Relena muttered frowning. **

Heero: Huh? What? Did someone mention Treize?

Treize: Since when do you work with me?

Heero: *shrugs* You'll never know.

** "No way. Somebody woulda said something. Wouldn't they?" She gave him a look. "Okay, I'll just check their rooms. But trust me they'll all be there."**

Duo, Trowa, and Wufei: Huh?

**"Fine. I'm going home. You had better inform me as to his whereabouts when you find out."**

Duo: Yeah, I'll be sure to tell the Queen of the World where a known terrorist is.

Trowa: Public Enemy #1, no less.

**"You mean you're not going to follow him?"**

Quatre: There's a first...

Wufei: Maybe she doesn't want to see Heero having wild sex with someone else.

Heero: *whines* With who?

**"No, I'm going home. This is the last time he makes a fool out of me. **

Heero: Oh, I'm sure there'll be more times.

** Besides, I can always count on Dorothy to make me feel better." **

Zechs: *shudders* Keep your crazy ass-browed cousin away from my sister.

Treize: Good for Dorothy, I say!

Zechs: *shoots deathglare at Treize*

** He stared at her earning himself an irritated look.   
  
"And you can just get your mind out of the gutter." She brushed past him stalking off down the hallway. He calmly walked out the door a minute later and shut it behind him. **

Heero: Huh? She changed genders? It's the panther!

Duo: _Relena _got me pregnant?!?! *screams*

Zechs: There's a switch...

Heero: *clamps hand over Duo's mouth*

Duo: *licks Heero's hand*

Heero: Aaaaauuuuuuuuggggggghhhhhh! Slimy! *smacks Duo*

** Then he started running down the hall for Trowa's room. **

Wufei: Wait, Relena's running down the hall? I thought she left!

Quatre: I think that's Duo.

** BP? I'll just bet it stands for "banged person" and that means Trowa. **

Trowa: Leave me and my hair alone!

Quatre: *eyes waver* What, you're cheating on me just cause I'm pregnant?

Trowa: Huh? What?

Quatre: Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! Trowa doesn't love me anymore!

Trowa: Quatre! How can you say that!

Quatre: You're having an affair with Heero!

Heero: He is?

Quatre: You're not?

Trowa: ...No.

Quatre: *blushes* Sorry, Trowa.

** He kicked the door open not even bothering to knock, **

Wufei: That sounds like Duo.

Duo: Just because I caught you with the Kleenex...

Wufei: You leave Pookie out of this!

Quatre: Shameless Minific plug number 2!

Heero: Who's Mini?

Quatre: *shrugs*

** expecting to find the room empty and Trowa gone. "Excuse me!" came a voice which most definitely was not Trowa's. **

Wufei: It was...Relena's!

Quatre: Wwwwwhhhhhhhaaaatttttt? *twitches*

** He stared at a tangle of limbs and sheets, as a blond head turned around glaring daggers at him. **

Wufei: Oh my God, it _is_ Relena!

Quatre: Trowa has better taste then that!

Wufei: He's dating you.

Quatre: *wails*

Trowa: It's all right! *puts Quatre on his lap*

**"This. Better. Be. Important." Quatre growled. **

Quatre: *calms down* Ok, I feel better.

**"Eep!" Duo slammed the door blushing furiously.**

Heero: How's that different from normal? Except we always run into them in places like the kitchen!

Quatre: Someone's just jealous.

Heero: Not me.   
**   
Okay, so it isn't Trowa or Quatre which could only leave Wufei... **

Wufei: Ack!

** He was about to knock this time when the sounds coming from behind the door advised otherwise. "...oh yes Treize-sama, show me your long elegant sword..."**

Wufei: Huh?

Treize: Ha! I told you, my dragon and I are destined to be!

Wufei: *whimpers and hides*

** He started to back away quietly when he turned around coming face to face with an irate Trowa and Quatre. **

Quatre: Well, he did interrupt us.

Trowa: Let's hurt him.

Quatre: It'll set a bad example for the baby.

Trowa: The baby can't see us.

Quatre: No fighting!

** They advanced on him menacingly and he did the only thing he could... he ran through the door. **

Duo: Right through it? Ow!

Heero: Well, you have a very thick head. I'm sure you'll manage.

** Luckily for his sensibilities the only things he saw were a fully clothed Wufei standing opposite Treize, each holding a sword. **

Wufei: *smirks* Told you.

Treize: Then why were you calling me 'Treize-sama?'

Wufei: *whimpers again*

** "The three of you had better have a good excuse for this most unwelcome intrusion. I'd expect this type of delinquency from Maxwell, but not from you two." With all four of them staring him down, Duo managed to squeak out what had just occurred in Heero's room.**

Wufei: He told us Heero's recipe for barbecued chicken?

Quatre: I guess...

**"And you thought it was one of us?"  
"Well...I..."  
"Maxwell, are you aware there are another 20 *billion* people in the solar system that that spandex wearing psycho could be meeting with?"**

Heero: Spandex-wearing psycho? *growls*

Trowa: Well, you did respond to it...

**"Gee, when you put it that way..."  
"But this is Heero we're talking about." Interjected Quatre. "And I think Duo does have a legitimate worry..." **

Heero: Why? Aren't I allowed a little privacy?

Duo: As long as it doesn't turn out to be Zechs.

Heero and Zechs: *whimper*

** Duo smirked at Wufei triumphantly. "See, Quatre agrees with me." But Quatre wasn't finished. "...even if it is founded on jealousy and paranoia" he finished sweetly. **

Trowa: That is so true!

Quatre: Go me!

** A delicate cough interrupted the impending conflict.   
"If I may make a suggestion."**

Heero: How did we miss this?

Duo: Miss this what?

Heero: That Treize was there.

Duo: Good point.

**"Oh by all means Treize-sama." Wufei shot them all a look daring them to question his affectionate tone.**

Wufei: What affectionate tone? My tone only has fear and loathing.

Treize: And repressed lust!

Wufei: Um...no.

**Wisely, no one said a word. "Well, I'm supposed to be away on business so I had to bring some equipment for observation with me in the van outside. We could drive over and..."  
"Spy?!" Duo chimed in excited. **

Heero: How gauche.

** "Well, 'spying' is such an inelegant way to put it, **

Treize: And apparently I agree with you.

Heero: What, you have to use the fic to tell us you're opinions?

Treize: *zaps Heero*

Heero: *falls in Duo's arms*

** but yes that is what I mean."   
"Alright then!" Duo was halfway down the hall before the others had the presence of mind to follow.**

Wufei: Since when does Duo think faster then the rest of us?**  
  
A Half Hour later:  
  
"Well, this is the establishment here," came the announcement from Treize in the driver's seat. They all glanced out the window and up and the sign. "House of Love?"**

Heero: I would not go anywhere called 'House of Love!'

Duo: *mutters* Damn.

Trowa: *raises eyebrow*

Heero: Damn what?

Duo: Nothing.

**"I knew it!" was Duo's exclamation. He scanned the horizontally aligned doors on the first floor. "There it is! The last one of the end!" He pointed to a white door housed next to an equally unremarkable window.**

Quatre: If the window's so unremarkable, why did they point it out?

Wufei: To fill up space?

Quatre: Oh. 

** "Maxwell, get that thrice damned appendage out from in front of my face!"**

Duo: EXCUSE ME?!?!

Wufei: I...I...Gak! *nosebleeds*

Heero: *looks lost*

**"Oh, sorry Wufie."  
"And for the last time, it's Wu-fei!"  
"Calm yourself dragon. We have to focus on what we set out to accomplish ne?" **

Wufei: Ack! *hides*

Treize: *chuckles evilly*

** Treize turned to Quatre and handed him two small boxes one slightly larger than the other.**

Quatre: Thank you, but I don't need Wufei's and your used sex toys.

Wufei: *faints*

Trowa: Maybe they're boxes of Girl scout cookies.

Quatre: That's too kinky even for me.

Heero: Aren't you being a dirty hentai in front of your unborn child?

Quatre: *wails***   
  
"Attach these to the window using the adhesive backing on each one, and make sure no one sees you."  
"Hai." Quatre unobtrusively slipped out set about his task managed to complete it with relative ease before returning. **

Heero: What?

Duo: I don't know. I just don't know.

Wufei: Was this directly translated from another language?

** Treize then carefully made his way out of the driver's seat to the back of the van pulling aside a white sheet to reveal a monitor and a small speaker. "These should let us here and see what is going on."**

Duo: You let Khushy bring all this stuff to our _safehouse_, Wu-man?!

Wufei: No!

**"But the curtain was pulled when I looked."  
"Don't worry about that. This is the finest technology OZ has to offer. There is a special lens implanted into the second device which should enable us to see through even the most microscopic of fibers through the weaving."  
  
"Amazing." Trowa murmured. "Shh. I think I hear something."  
"I can't hear, turn it up..." They looked into the screen and saw a small room with a single bed which rested next to a small nightstand. **

Trowa: As if the bed was alive?

** The lighting was somewhat dim though both figures could be clearly seen. "Oi, there's Heero." Duo whispered. "Why are you whispering Duo? He can't hear us."**

Heero: I hear all.

Duo: Coooooooooooooooool!

Quatre: Shameless Pokémon plug #2!

**"Sorry, it just seemed, y'know appropriate for the occasion."  
"Baka." Mumbled Wufei. Quatre noticed the larger figure sitting on the bed. "Look, it's Dr J!"**

Heero: *whimpers*

Duo and Wufei: No comment needed!

Quatre: Maybe it's not what we think it is...

Heero: Oh come on! You people know how dense I am with this sort of thing and even _I_ know what's going on!

**"Hmm, maybe it was a mission after all..."  
"Um, I don't think so Duo."  
"Whaddya mean."  
  
"Well, just look at Heero." Duo did, and noticed something he hadn't before. Heero was...smiling?! **

Wufei: Something he'd never do normally.

Duo: Unless he's blowing something up.

Trowa: Then he goes through waves of orgasmic pleasure.

Heero: I do not!

Quatre: Don't say stuff like this in front of our child Trowa!!!

Trowa: *sweatdrops*

** Not just a small shy smile, but a very un-Heeroish goofy grin. **

Heero: Goofy grin?

Wufei: So basically he got possessed by Maxwell.

Duo: Hey! I don't have the hots for bionic boy!

Heero: What about Professor G?

Duo: Gak! Hentai mushroom? I don't think so!

Heero: Hentai...mushroom?

Quatre: Let's not ask.

** While they were surprised to see such an expression on their comrade's face, they were completely unprepared for what he did next. With a too cheerful yell of "Big Papa!", Heero went running towards the older man arms outstretched and glomped onto him.**

Heero: *screams*

Quatre: He's not possessed by Duo, he's possessed by Relena!

Heero: Since when did she have the hots for Dr. J?

Quatre: Well, she did get in the car with him for no reason.**   
  
"He's...perky..." was Quatre's insightful observation.   
"He's… smiling..." This from Wufei.   
".......!" was Trowa's response.   
"He... called Dr J...'Big Papa'..."**

Heero: *wails*

Zechs: *snickers*

Duo: *comforts Heero* It's ok, Hee-chan, this isn't real...

Heero: *whimpers***   
  
"Oh I missed you sooo much Big Papa! Did you miss me?" Heero inquired with a petulant childish tone, his lower lip trembling in a pout as if anticipating a negative response. "Of course I did kitten." **

Heero: Kitten? He...called...me...kitten?

Wufei: *bursts out into laughter*

Duo: *kicks Wufei in the shin* Shut up!

** came the answer and then a gentle kiss which washed away any remaining uncertainty. A small sigh of bliss escaped the young pilot. **

Heero: *whimpers some more*

** Ne could feel his mentor's tongue seeking entrance between his lips. **

Heero: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *faints*

** But before he would allow Hero such a display of affection the doctor pulled back placing a metal appendage to his mouth in a silencing gesture.   
  
"So have you been a good boy this week?"**

Wufei: *twitches* I'm glad Master O wasn't like that to me.

Quatre: Yeah. All Doktor S did to me was goose me.

Trowa: Little one! *holds Quatre*

Wufei: Aren't you going to scare the fetus?

Quatre: Eep! *tries to cover stomach so baby can't hear*

**"Oh yes! I haven't killed Relena, and I only threatened her once."**

Duo: Uh...that's good, I guess...

**"That's good." He smiled musing to himself. **

Wufei: Oh my God, you're turning into Dr. J! *imitates J's bionic arm*

Heero: *wakes up* Who?

Quatre: Duo is.

Heero: Aaaahhhh! *hides from Duo*

Duo: I am not! 

** "Now how should I reward you?.." His free hand found its way under Heero's tanktop and he absently rubbed a finger over one rapidly hardening nipple. Heero threw back his head, emitting a small gasp. "Ah...oh...please give it to me like only you can 'Big Papa..." **

Heero: *comes out from hiding with beam cannon and ZERO System glare* I will destroy all those who toy with my body and life. *aims cannon at Duo*

Duo: I'm not J! Blame Treize and Zechs! They sent us the damn fic!

Heero: *prepares to fire*

Quatre: Damnit, where are the hallucinations of Relena when you need them?

Duo: Heero! I'm not Doctor J!

Heero: *keeps aiming*

** He whimpered shamelessly tossing his head back and forth from side to side as he felt the older man's hardened erection through the thin cloth of his spandex, the smaller pilot being thrust up against by his mentor. **

Heero: What?

** His every nerve was hot, raw, and exposed to those fiery touches which left him breathless and moaning with anticipation.**

Heero: *faints*

Duo: Thank Shinigami!

Wufei: You're thanking yourself?

Duo: Yes, I am. Deal with it.

Wufei: *snorts***   
  
"... I want you to take this off." He said tugging lightly at the front of the sweatsoaked material clinging obscenely to Heero's upper torso. **

Quatre: No, it will be far more obscene if Heero takes it off!

Duo: *nosebleeds*

** Heero eagerly complied ripping off the top as if it had become a hindrance to ultimate goal... to be completely ravished and taken and driven into over and over again by his beloved mentor. **

Heero: *wakes up* Huh?

Duo: You don't want to know, Hee-chan.

Heero: What about taking my shirt off?

Duo: Just don't ask.

** The thought itself was making him so hard his cock was straining against his signature spandex with an ache that was nearly painful. Heero rocked against him quickening his pace needing to relieve his throbbing arousal. **

Heero: *twitches* No...it's not a nightmare...

Quatre: My child's going to be scarred for life!

Trowa: It's all right little one...it'll be ok...

** Dr J captured Heero's mouth, in a searing passionate kiss while the young pilot moaning into his mouth reached his climax tensing for an instant and then relaxing. Having watched such a beautiful display of submission on the part of his younger lover he was breathless.**

Heero and Duo: *faint***   
  
"You know what to do kitten." He whispered lowly. Eyes still glazed with unfulfilled desire, Heero merely nodded and stood sliding off his now sticky spandex. **

Wufei: *gags*

** He stepped out of them, then knelt down fingers trembling with longing having been deprived of his older lover's presence for over a week, **

Quatre: *sarcastic* Aw, poor baby.

Trowa: *pats Quatre's stomach* I know.

Quatre: *sweatdrops*

** he undid the buttons, tongue darting out to lick his lips.   
  
At last! He reached into the space of the doctor's boxers, underneath the buttons, freeing his hard erection. Heero worshipped with his eyes for a brief instant before he ran his tongue along the sensitive underside slowly, becoming once again aroused when he heard the gasp coming from above him. **

Wufei: *throws up*

Treize: *soothingly* It's ok, dragon, it will be over soon...

Heero: *regains consciousness* 

** He lapped hungrily at the drop of slick damp precome which trickled from the head. **

Heero: Huh? I licked his head?

Quatre: His lower one.

Heero: Lower one...?

Duo: *wakes up* His hard-on, Hee-chan.

Heero: *whimpers*

** He began to stick his tongue into the slit needing to taste more of the precious fluid. He was moaning unbearably feeling himself unbearably hard imagining the thick length which pulsed inside the warm cavity of his mouth how heavenly it would feel when it was sheathed inside of him, and he couldn't take it anymore. **

Trowa: What?

Quatre: I don't want to know!

Trowa: Virgin ears! *covers Quatre's stomach*

** With one hand still wrapped around his mentor's shaft reverently, his lips and tongue still paying homage, he reached his free hand down and encircled his own shaft circling the head with his thumb, making sharp quick motions up and down, pumping rapidly, the excitement pushing him to the brink, until the force of his release propelled his head forward, causing him to take in every throbbing inch of his hard length, past the gag reflex hitting the back of his throat. **

Wufei: Ws that one sentence?

Duo: I think so...

** He heard a harsh gasp of "now" through his still hazy senses.   
  
Heero rose to his feet quickly wanting to do anything to satisfy his beloved teacher. He reached knowingly into the lab coat pocket and pulled out a tube of lubricant. He squeezed a generous amount onto his palms, and rubbed the gel all over Dr J's needy cock. **

Heero: Needy...cock?

** Not wanting to wait anymore, Heero slowly lowered himself onto that thick rigid hardness, sitting on his mentor's lap once more legs wrapped his torso, whimpering in the unbearably good pain/pleasure he always felt when he was completely impaled. **

Heero: *faints once more*

** He wrapped his strong yet lithe arms around his neck, crying out softly into the crook of his neck, as he was being driven in and out of mercilessly, riding up and down, each ruthless thrust pushing him closer to the type of heavenly pleasure he could only receive when Dr J was inside of him. With a final push into the tight receptive velvet heat of Heero's body, he came releasing his seed inside of him, and Heero shuddered violently also covering both of them in his sticky substance, purring kittenish as Dr J stroked his hair.**

Trowa: I think our baby's doomed...

Quatre: *wails*

**Duo turned a nice shade of green before making retching sounds and then finally passing out. The other, taking their cue from Duo followed in suite.**

Wufei: The smartest thing any of us have done all day.

Duo: It's over, let's just go. *picks up Heero*

Trowa: You carrying Heero seems to be becoming a habit.

Duo: Go tend to your kid. *walks out with Heero*

****Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei: *follow Duo*

** **

* * *

The five G-boys walked out of the theatre, Heero still unconscious in Duo's arms. Trowa had his arms wrapped around Quatre's waist and was cooing, "It's all right, it's all over…"

"Trowa, I wasn't _that_ disturbed," pointed out Quatre.

"I was talking to the baby," replied Trowa. Quatre sweatdropped.

"What are you to going to name the baby?" asked Duo.

Quatre's jaw dropped. "I didn't even think of that! Maybe Ali or Ahmed for a boy, or Iman or Hannah for a girl…" Quatre continued listing names, not letting Trowa get a suggestion in edgewise.

Heero stirred. "Is it over?" he asked Duo.

"It's all over, Hee-chan," the American reassured.

The pilot of Wing nodded and stood up. He glanced over at Quatre, who was continuing to list baby names and causing Trowa to go swirly-eyed. "Is he _still_ blabbering on about the damn baby?" he growled.

Quatre's eyes welled up with tears. "What's that supposed to mean? It's Trowa's child and mine! Of course I'm concerned…"

"You idiot! You're not pregnant!" Heero exploded.

The blond blinked. "Huh?"

"You're not pregnant! Pregnancy tests are designed for men, which is why it came up a false positive. And you simply had a case of the flu, which is why you kept throwing up. When I said you had morning sickness, it was a joke! The braided baka over there kept bugging me to lighten up, so I decided to give it a try so he'd shut up." Heero glared at Duo. "This is the last time I ever listen to anything you say ever again." He closed his mouth and crossed his arms across his chest.

"Huh," commented Wufei. "That's the most I've ever heard Yuy say."

Quatre twitched. "A joke?"

"But what about OZ?" asked Trowa. "They said they performed an experiment on Quatre…"

Trowa was interrupted by riotous laughter. The G-boys looked around for the source, only to see Treize and Zechs on the viewscreen, rolling around on the floor and laughing their heads off.

"You…people…are _idiots_!" snorted Zechs. "I can't believe…you fell…for that!" He collapsed backwards next to Treize, where the two continued to giggle like schoolchildren.

The Arabian continued to twitch. "Heero knew the whole time…"

Trowa sighed. "Well, as much as I may want to have a child with little one, it's probably best that it doesn't happen up here. Right, Quatre?" He turned to his still twitching boyfriend. "Quatre?"

Quatre suddenly produced his own mini-beam cannon out of nowhere, the manic ZERO System glint evident in his eyes. "Heero is my enemy!" he screeched.

Trowa flinched. "Oh, shit…"

"DIE!" Quatre yelled and lunged for Heero.

Heero sidestepped the psycho blond and performed a sleeper hold on him. He then picked up the beam cannon and turned on Duo. "Duo…"

The self-proclaimed god of death gulped. "Yes, Heero?"

Heero smirked. "You have five seconds to run," he told him. Duo nodded and ran for his life, with Heero following closely on his heels.

Trowa sighed. "We need to get out of here soon," he muttered. He picked up his unconscious koi and took him back to their room.

Wufei stood there blinking for a moment. He looked back and forth between Heero and Duo's chase scene to their two laughing captors on the viewscreen. He cocked his head, then gave a decisive nod. Walking over to the wall, he began banging his head against it vigorously. The desired results were achieved, and Wufei felt everything fade to black around him, to his immense relief.

*Owari*

How was this one? Our next one is going to be huge, so don't expect it for at least two weeks. It'll probably be in two parts, as well. Ja ne! 

   [1]: mailto:Jillypuff@cheerful.com
   [2]: mailto:NamedAlex@aol.com



End file.
